Weakness

So-F-rough couple of days on the get off the pot and be healthy front!!!!  Well, actually-just today was rough.  Started with work stress at about 5am with my boss pommeling me with email after email.  He is very demanding, and while I am proud of all that I have taught myself with this transition to a new career, it is still very stressful.  That in hand with the unreasonable demands that are placed on me daily-STRESS ME THE HELL OUT!!!!  When I look back, I cannot put a number to the pounds I have gained since starting my new job.  I know since August I was looking at about 20 pounds, so when I look at starting there a good 4 months before that I would have to say I have gained at LEAST 25-30 pounds since I have been there.  That, in addition to the 30-40 I was already overweight, certainly have had an impact.  My second biggest challenge, aside from the stress, is my lack of mobility.  In my former professional life, I spent all day every day on my feet more or less.  When I started the new job this soring, I brought my exercise ball and it still sits in my office.  I was very committed in the beginning to using it a few times a day for sit ups and squats.  I did good for a while, and I tried to spend a few hours a day sitting on it as well.  Now-I am afraid that if I sit on it, it will pop!!!!!  Complacency has won over.  When I should be up and moving and taking a break every so often to work my body, I quick check People Magazine or Facebook.  Having this be my first job in front of a computer is a new and fun thing for me BUT has proved to be quite a challenge to my already struggle with being healthy.
While my boss is not in the office or in town very often, he has been for three days this week....And, what have I talked about-my willpower sucking ass.  So I HAVE to stay focused on what I am trying to do here.  I need a plan.  Something like when he starts making me crazy, I close the door and meditate or  breath or something along those lines.  I have contemplated a vodoo doll, which I did find one after not looking very hard, but figured I need to put my frustration in to something a little more constructive!
When I get so upset and riled by him, I really take a few steps back and ask myself, is this all worth it?  Did I leave my old work life for something I get no personal satisfaction out of, and that does not make me happy in the least?  The conclusion I have come to, many times, is to try and look at this whole situation with some gratitude instead of frustration.  When I continue to look at it and be frustrated, I let it bring me down, and I let it win.  Doing that only contributes to the already YUK I already feel....So, I have decided to be grateful for the very good job that I have, and the nice life it affords me.  It has given me such a better non work life and so much time with Sophie and Simon-I couldn't ask for more!   When I think about the negative parts and how much I hate it, I only give in to weak feeling and the out of control that I have let my day to day life become. Why give in?  Why let someone else or something else OTHER than me have that kind of control of my life?  Is that what I am all about?  Again, like I said last post, I think many people that know me would be surprised to see those words.
There certainly is some validity to your work life not being personally satisfying correlating with being unhappy in your non work life-I am a big advocate of doing what you love and if you're not, move on and find it!  But I am adopting the attitude of everything happens for a reason-or I have some "I was a really bad boss" karma from my old days of ME being the boss and that is why I am where I am!  I'm going to get back on that ball EVERY day.  I am going to laugh when the bossman starts throwing his fits like my 4 year old son does, and I am going to be so grateful and humbled by the opportunity I have been given with my job and figure out how to use it to get to the next best place I will be lucky enough to get to.  I am in control of me and where I  go and the success I achieve.
Now-yep-confession time.  I freaking drank pop today AGAIN! Twice.  Ugh.  I suck.  And-I ate candy, which I have been super good at staying away from.  I basically threw in the towel after I started and just went down hill from there!!!  Mexican for lunch, pop, candy....I suck!!!!!I am doing my best to look at this as just a bump in the road, but can't help but be disappointed.  I wonder if everyone that is at the beginning of trying to change their life has these hurdles too and gets frustrated and turns to their old ways.  I wonder if that is what a drug addict or alcoholic feels like and struggles with until they finally kick the habit?  I often have made the comparison of my over eating and just letting myself go to pot to being an addict of sorts or a smoker or whatever it may be.  Everyone has their vices.  When did mine become being self indulgent in the kitchen???!!!  I again think to myself, how am I raising kids in this damn me me me-I have to be happy 100% of the time -world.  They need to be shown what it is like to have self control, restraint, character, know they have to work hard for what they want.  I don't want them to subscribe to the now now now world.  I have to have to have to be a good role model for them.  No one else is going to do it, no actually, that is the problem!  The things or people they would role model after if it WEREN'T me would be the LAST thing I would want for my children....
So-for Hillary, for Sophie, for Simon-and for the rest of the world who has to deal with the wrath of unhealthy me-I will forge on and keep trying to get off the pot.  Going to the gym again this weekend-although I only did 25 or so minutes of cardio and a little bit of lifting last weekend, I LOVED it.  It felt great being there-with the exception of needing  few more bras on and having yoga pants on that were having issues staying up-it was a success!
I am going to start setting small short term goals-you have to have something to work for.  I think that will help me stay focused.  Stay tuned.  Tomorrow is Friday, thank you lord!  My goal is to go to the gym Saturday and Sunday, drink no pop, and eat healthy!  Easy easy easy....