Ugh. This has to be done...the rules.

So. Wow. Let me start by saying-I am typically not a fan of putting it all out there. I am in that generation that is right in the middle of the "leave SOME things to the imagination" and the current times of every thought you have needs to go viral. So, the question why I am doing this is one I can't really answer. I have been thinking about it for a while- and just decided to take a leap.
I'm going to try and set a few rules.
1. For those that know me well- I can write and write and write. My apologies up front.
2. I cuss A LOT. This will be the only time I type the word fuck. From now on-I will only type F. You'll see it a lot.
3. My intention here is not to offend. I am sure those close to me will see their names or situations they have been involved in-my purpose is to keep this about my struggles, not anyone else's drama...I hope at least by doing this I can force myself into some sort of accountability, I can maybe help walk someone else through their journey of trying to change their life, or at the very least help some understand why I am such an asshole all of the time...
There will be more rules to come over time, and hopefully as I start to feel better, my thoughts will be more focused-until then, I'm going to start with my story...
I have been walking down this road Ive been going down two years now. I have had many epiphany moments over the past few years that should have changed my path- but I think the bottom line at this point is that my extreme unhealth has just caused me to be so lazy and so complacent- any signs or aha moments have just been moments- and that is it. I often think to myself- how did I get here? When really-it's pretty f-ing easy. It just got easier for me to be unhealthy than to put the work in to BE healthy. Like everyone always hears me bitch about how it's easier to be a crappy parent than a good one, well that is the road I have taken with being good to my body and health.
For those that know me well, the "lead by example" phrase is one that comes out of my mouth often- I'm my personal and my professional life. I cannot even put into words how shitty I feel by the example I have shown my children the last few years. Fortunately I am lucky that the S's still follow my OLD lead of eating healthy and being healthy. It is embarrassing what a freak I am about how I feed them compared to myself. I constantly preach health health health to them- and have been able to lead a lifestyle I was proud that they would model after,until these past few years.
There are so many things I would like to blame me being unhealthy on. You have all heard them come out of my mouth I'm sure at one time or another...here are some of my favorites and a few creative excuses I could also give..but-they are all a bunch of shit...
1. I can't take time away for my kids when I am already a working mom to go to the gym. (horse shit. I have done it before-many times. And remember the lead by example BS from above)
2. Our society makes everything SO easy to be UN healthy. Where can't you find a 24 hour drive thru. Seriously . We all need to be shot for tolerating what we have let happen to our fast food industry.
3. My crappy, or dysfunctional relationships, whether it be my failed marriage, my years of ups and downs with Clint, my poor relationship with my parents, whatever. I could pretty much write about this for days. It is so easy to let yourself go and not give a F about anything when you are so wrapped up in drama and the bullshit of the above. The pathetic thing-I hate drama. Believe it or not, I like low key and easy despite I have the center of attention label . I think it had been pretty easy for me to use me being so unhealthy as a barrier to not deal with the above dysfunction. Or at the very least, I have used me feeling crappy as a good excuse to keep others out. Make sense? Hard to write, even harder to admit.
I can already see that this is going to be very cathartic for me and I am going to be writing a lot. My plan was to disclose how much I weigh so I could really make myself accountable and force myself to acknowledge what a big problem this is...don't think I can do it though...
I will end this post vowing that I will give up pop. Its poison and so f-ing unhealthy is pathetic. We found out a few months ago Simon would never be able to drink pop due to a health condition and I thought it was a slam dunk that I too would never drink it either . Yeah, not so easy for someone who is so wrapped up in their extreme unhealth that they just can't find a starting place. So right now I feel fine about it, but I'm sure by tomorrow at about 10am I'll be a real bitch...
Tune in to see my struggles, and to learn about how I got here. You will no doubt life a lot as my extreme sarcasm gets me through a lot. I told Clint tonight that he is one of those guys that goes to bars on nights when they have big girl night. He's the skinny dude in the middle of three huge chicks getting smashed on the dance floor. For those that don't know Clint- he's pretty vain and GQ and while he laughed, I am sure deep down he thought-oh F!
Remember not trying to offend anyone...trust me- I have gotten myself in to this predicament all by myself and blame no one but me for being a fat girl! I will try to refrain from using that phrase too much also!