As I look through my entries the last few days, I recognize how random my thoughts are. This has now become a personality trait for me, which is frustrating to say the least. I look around in my everyday life, and it is how I roll now. Random. I think when you feel crappy, it is hard to have any one focus. You kind of move from thing to thing and never accomplish any one thing. I think I have been that way for the last year...It's so frustrating, and another piece to my puzzle...
So, rather than being touchy feely and all emotional, let's look at my food choices today and talk about that a little, as it too is a BIG puzzle piece!
At home I finished about a third of a muffin that Soph didn't eat and had a cup of coffee(just coffee with a little bit of yummy flavoring). It's odd that I am such a cow-because as most of you mothers can attest-we rarely sit down and eat! We are often making food for someone else, or cleaning it up, or getting more, or finishing what is sitting there, or blah blah blah...When I got to work, I unloaded my desk of candy and liquor, and brought the candy to our kitchen and the liquor is in my purse. I think I need to keep it here, my job stresses me to the max, and every once in a while, I need a drink! Usually I go to lunch with friends and do it, but anyone in the legal field I think can attest to having a stash in their desk. Now, the kitchen. Good lord...I work for a high profile, pretty successful attorney, who is pretty much a god to everyone he knows-and-all of his little worshipers sent him f-ing candy for Christmas. Seriously. It's pathetic. We have a small office, most of the time there are just 4 of us here, so the candy is not going very quickly. I am contemplating pitching it but not sure how everyone would feel about that. Let me just put this out there, believe me when I say I LOVE TO BUY AND GIVE CANDY...but, don't send it to someone who is not going to receive it AND please do not send it to someone who has more money than God and everything he could ever want-make a freaking donation in his name to someone that has NO food, or candy for that matter...OK-I told myself I was going to try to keep work out of this as much as I could...
So-desk is cleaned out-for the most part. I have a ton of gum in there, pita chips, mints, and mint candy. Not bad for starters...I think I have failed at being healthy so much this past year or so because of the type A trait. I should be able to clean out my desk and never want for those things again, right? Yeah, not so right. I did as you saw, dump the pop, but there is still a TON more. Just dumped my specific kind. Which was a start. (I did also dump the eggnog that I keep here to make my Bailey's coffee concoction, that hurt.) Still, the candy is sitting in there calling my name. Ugh. I made myself a small bowl of oatmeal an hour or so after I got here, when I have been healthy, I always had oatmeal in my day, usually to start it off. Then a little while later, I had a v-8, which I will now be drinking by itself rahter than spiking it with vodka! That really again, doesn't happen that often!
Then, I watched and watched the clock, and was stressing out about lunch. I am tired and my head is KILLING me, both because by now I have usually had major caffeine overload and sugar overload, so my body is saying to me what in the hell is going on! This is the hard part that I remember, once I get through it I am OK. I went out to our receptionist and asked what sounded good. We settled on Palmer's or baked potatoes. Palmer's is good, I eat there often, but-I way overspend there as I have to get four things(another trait I have adopted as an overwieght person-I order everything just because I feel like it) and I really didn't want to walk in there. Sometimes, walking to and from there is taxing for me. God, I hate to admit these things....imagine what it is like to wiegh 400 pounds and have 4 inch high heels on(which those two things alone shouldn't mix)and have clothes on that just look and feel like crap and walk throught the skywalks. It's uncomfortalbe. It's a shitshow, and it just sucks. That is what life has come to. Even the easiest and simpliest of tasks, are often a chore. My pants ride up and down and all around when I walk. I get hot and sweaty. My balance is starting to get REALLY bad, and I am just not sure how my shoes take it. I know I have gone through shoes pretty f-ing quick the past few years, as that is an indicator of my overwightness. And OK, I don't wiegh 400 pounds, but I think you get the picture...Typing those things isn't easy. I share and make wise ass cracks about those things with my friends, because it is funny, and when I put my Hillary spin on it, is is even funnier. But now, I just can't take it anymore. I want to be able to go anywhere, walk anywhere, and feel comfortable doing it. It sucks that this is where I am at.
While I was walking to where we got the food, I passed several places that I wanted to go in and buy some pop and guzzle it. I love the feel of carbination in my throat and the taste. I also love the feel of ice cold water too, so I am going to retrain myself to that taste primarily, then when I even think about tasting pop, it will be gross. The only thing that I think kept me from doing it was that I am pretty sure someone took a crap in the skywalk somewhere along the way, and I evidentally stepped on it because every time I started to smell something good or think about the pop-the shit smell crept up on me! Or, maybe it was that tiny bit of will power left in me, or a higher power helping me out...
So, the baked potatoe won. The walk is even a bit father than Palmer's, but easier, and less crowded. Yep, there are days I don't want to be seen. That in itself, is a true problem for someone like me. That's not me, that's not who I am, and certainly not who I want to be. I ordered Laura's first, as I thought to myself-make the healthiest choice Hillary. Which, I didn't, but in time, that all will fall in to place. Got back, ate it with my 3rd glass of water, and physically and mentally I feel a little better. I need to, after I get through these next few weeks sit down, and plan my lunch, so I have no obstacles.
It isn't appealling for me to have to live by a menu for the rest of my life. And, I refuse to do it. But, there is a happy medium here that I know I will find. I will still be able to go out and drink my wine and eat my cheese plates that I am known for. I will still love mint chip ice cream, and eat it. And, I will have good days and bad days. I just have to re teach myself to handle it all and be able to live through it and forgive myself for being human and making good and bad choices.
Patience patience patience. I have to keep telling myself that. Everytime I have done this in the past, everything has gone so fast, as I have gone at it 5000% and never looked back. I know better than that this time, and as I said before, I don't have the patience or will power to do it. This is going to be hard work.. Hard work and challenge used to be my middle name. I have no doubt they are in there somewhere just hanging out still, I just have a lot of layers I need to reach through to find them and let them resurface again.
Hopefully the emotional part won't last long. My intention with putting this in such a public forum was to help me get through it with my humor, but I haven't been too funny so far-I have just realized what crap I feel like. Hang in there if this is just a drag...No doubt the humor will come!
Thnaks for all of the offline notes-much appreciated-more than you all know....
Try carbonated flavored water to get the fizz and the sweetness, definitely helped me! Keep it up :)
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