I have sat down and started writing a few times this week-but it just hasn't panned out. Either I got too lazy-yep just to lay there and type-or I had a demanding child(wonder who that was)-or I did some other random thing instead. The week has gone fairly well. I have had a lot of time to reflect(I hate that term). I was getting TOO deep, serious, dark, blah, whatever you want to call it the first few days I was writing, so I decided I needed some time to myself to think through a few things and just chill. I haven't had any pop-still-since last Saturday. It's killing me, and if you happen to walk by somewhere downtown or stop in to the Casey's by my house and see me laying on the counter under the pop fountain with Dr Pepper streaming down into my mouth, please pitch in and help a girl out. I have been craving it like crazy. The taste. The bubbles in my mouth. The routine. The everything. BUT-my head doesn't hurt anymore at all, which I am shocked at how short of a time period it took to make them go away. I think another week or two and I won't want it so bad anymore will be all it takes. I have drastically cut my coffee intake, and had ZERO liquor or mega fatty additions in it since my little freezer episode last weekend. I really think that not only willpower(the little tiny bit I have remaining) coupled with sheer determination and changing your thought patterns has gotten me through. I have read 6,278 books(all reccomened by a god damned therapist at one time or another)that tell you how to "train" your thought processes. It is a chemical thing that starts to happen once you begin to establish a pattern. I have been thinking about pulling one of those books out and re-reading a few chapters here and there.
I really think just a few days of getting some of my thoughts out of my head were a huge step in the right direction. Like I mentioned before(and at the suggestion of another damend therepist)journaling is very therapudic, cathartic if you will. Which I have done many times, just not publicly! And about such a personal thing. I don't think everyone wants to admit to the world(as you know a million people are reading this)or even to a piece of paper how miserable it is to be fat and unhealthy and lazy and unhappy. When I really put thought to it, I have a feeling that many people's paths that I cross in a days time are probably feeling something similar to what I have been. Makes me sad, makes me wonder why we all just can't be f-ing happy.
I have put together a small list in my mind of things that are tough for me to deal with-and that I think about a lot and contribute to my current state of (un)health...Here's a rough draft:
1. My job. You may or may not know, I quit my job last spring and took a leap of faith if you will and completely changed gears. I more or less had been in my field(retail)my whole adult life. While it is a tough and demanding job/field-I truly loved what I did. There were times it was harder than others and times I liked it more than others, but all in all I was successfull and happy with what I did. I got to the point where I felt there was little room to grow or advance without me moving, and this other oppurtunity came along, and it fit another dream, if you will, that I had always had-so I jumped. My gut told me not to do it, which I ALWAYS listen to my gut, but did it anyway......I should have listened. My new job has proved to be VERY tough and stressful to say the least. I came in knowing nothing and have had to self teach, which has been somewhat rewarding but that's where it stops. I know growth comes out of struggles, but I have put a lot of serious thought to how my job unhappiness and stress affects my health...Or shall I phrase it-how I LET it affect my health. I know if I felt better, the job would not seem AS difficult, and I would approach the challenges it brings with it differently. Just hate the thought of feeling like I made the wrong move...
2. My housing situation. There are many caveats here, some I can't address. But, the bottom line, we live in a house that we have just outgrown and it is challenging for all of us. It makes us all crazy. And, presents difficulties in making everyday life smooth. Don't get me wrong, I am so lucky to have what I do, it is a super cool, fun, nice home, but we are busting at the seams.
3. My closet. I cannot even explain what it is like being overwieght and having to get dressed every morning. I mentioned earlier the sheer amount of clothes I have-which only make getting dressed even more stressful. Its like looking at something you want so bad that you can reach out and touch and feel, and you just can't have it-it makes me insane. I often stand in my closet after I get out of the shower and just look and look and look. I know there is nothing in there that I could even possibly manage to fit in to. THOSE things are in a pile that is at the end of my bed on a chaise that has the things that fit piled up, and there is very little and it gets worn often. I love my wardrobe, but seriously, can I even call it MY WARDROBE anymore ifI can't wear any of it??? Get a grip Hillary. Seriously, I could make a large fortune, not a small one, off of clothes with tags on them that I bought thinking in the back of my mind, oh I will fit in to it eventually when I lose wieght(dumbass), and the shoes sitting in boxes never warn because I cannot squeeze my fat feet into them although they are my size. Yep, even your feet get fat. It's pathetic. Your shoes get stretched to the max-and they look like hell. And since I insist on wearing heels, my shoes blow out quicker, truly I just don't think they are built to carry the wieght that I put on them. I have 13 pair of boots I cannot wear because I cannot get them zipped up or around my calves, I counted them last night. I don't want to tell you how many have never been worn. It's bad people. It's starting to piss me off, so I 'll move on.
4. Genetics. My father, sorry if by chance you are reading this Dad, is a walking heart attack. I cannot even tell you what it is like to look at him. The last 6 months, when I look at him all I see is me. It scares the hell out of me. When I mentioned it to him a few months back, he told me that he ran 10 miles on his 50th birthday, and swam 5 more or some other ridiculous bullshit. Really Dad, because now you are almost 62. Get off the pot homeboy. Isn't it funny that we have never spent more than a few months at MOST, of my entire life together, but I make the same excuses he does. It's scary. I wonder if he thinks the same things when he looks at me. Most of his side of the family has had health issues(a lot of heart issues), and I can't help but wonder if they were self induced just to pure unhealth. I like to think that I am smarter than the average person when it comes to health, but look at what I have let happen to myself. And, when I look at my Dad's genes, I am a little bit more aware of what the future may look like. My mother's gene pool is relatively small, and although her father had many health issues that lead to his death, I think general health on her side is somewhat better, but unfortunaltey mental health is the scare there.
5. Personal relationships. I am going to try to be discreet here on this one. It is no secret, I have had years of challenges with Clint. It has been tough-to put it mildly. When you struggle with your personal relationships, everything in life is more difficult. Some of those times, I have turned to being healthy and taking the best care of my self possible. Others, I have turned to food comforting me. I have to again like I mentioned above, retrain my thought process to always taking care of my body, no matter what struggles I am having in life. It isn't just my Clint issues, I have had problems maintianing other personal relationships as well. When you feel crappy, you turn inward and don't do much to keep other things going, and let's face it-relationships are work, no matter what type, you have to put effort in to get something back.
My list is longer, but I will stop here so I can refocus on that job that I love.... :)
Anxious about the weekend, I have a lot of time on my hands to make poor food decisions, and that is a lot of what I have done since I took this job and have a more consistent schedule...I know I will get through it though! And if I fall I will get back up and try again....AND-looming in the back of my mind is when I decide to make my re-entrance to the gym. Good God, I don't think Des Moines has enough sports bras to keep me covered and what do I do about the ungodly amount of sweat that is going to be happening while I am there-that is where this is gonna get good folks!...We're gonna have to talk about that...
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