Confession # 1...I am sitting on my bed eating chips and dip watching Harry Potter with Simon as I type this. Enough said....I put a TV in my bedroom about a year and a half ago, and it sadly has become the new family room-I have always said I would never put one in my room-but it happened and has contributed to a lot of laziness. Usually, I really try my best to not eat in here-but it happens.....
I find it hard to organize my thoughts, which is fairly typical of me the last few years, as most that know me will attest. I don't want to word vomit every time I am writing here, but that may have to be part of the process here for a while...And, I have to say one more time, it is really difficult to put this in such a public forum. I know that seems odd to most of you that know me well, but as I have gotten older I have learned to keep my mouth shut more often. It's a big deal if I am spouting off...So here goes...
It truly is amazing how lazy you are when you are over weight. It's not just from being complacent-you truly are so physically worn out it's insane. It makes sense to me now that I have gained so much weight and am so tired, it's like the comparison I always use with my children-when you eat, you are simply putting food in your gas tank like you would your car. Well friends, my tank is pretty f-ing big now-I am clearly driving a god damned semi. For those that have not seen me personally the last 3 or 4 months, I have probably gained about 20 pounds in that time period. My energy levels have just completely dropped-and for those that know me well, you can only imagine how insane this makes me. I hate sitting back and watching Sophie and Simon rather than running with them. It's not fair to them, and I will never get the lost time back with them.
I was having an email conversation with my friend Dean the other day and he asked me if I got everything I wanted for Christmas. I told him I didn't get a trip to fat camp and I was pretty pissed about that. There were a few comments sent back and fourth, and we got to the Biggest Loser topic. I told him I know I could go on and kick ass(remind me to touch on someday my jerk mother's comment about how I should go on the Biggest Loser last summer while we were at the pool)because my past success with weight loss is usually pretty incredible. I can lose 40 pounds in a matter of months. It is not healthy, and has obviously never stuck, but in the past, that's how it has gone. I have to be at the gym two hours a day, seven days a week, run 3 or 4 miles a day, and be very devoted to keeping my metabolism at it's best. All of which seems easy enough, but in all honesty, I don't want to go to the f-ing gym and run my ass off like I used to and put the effort in I have in the past. It is A LOT of work. I have to find a happy medium and a balance SOMEHOW. I have only been able to get healthy like that a time or two since I have had Simon. It was hard, and took a lot of time away from my family, but I was able to do it. I don't think at this point though, I can give like that again. But clearly, time I invest in me will be time that is worthwhile for everyone around me....These things I know-it's just getting that mentality I have to have to get started...
Ok, Ok, I digress-back to the conversation with Dean. He made the comment that those people go on that show and lose a whole person sometime and he doubted that I need to shed a person. My response to him was that I could shed a whole person, and his wife would STILL weigh less than me. That actually is a true statement, but in my defense, he has the tiniest cutest wife there is. It still, really hit home after I typed it. WOW. Holy shit. If I lost half of my body weight I would be at an unhealthy weight for me, way TOO thin, but I still could shed a good 70 or 80 pounds to get to where my body naturally lands when it is healthy. Again, holy shit. That is daunting.
I have learned that eating is somewhat my vice if you will. I don't run to the fridge when I am stressed out or upset, but eating has certainly become my drug the last year or so. It is my comfort if you will. There have been many times in my life when the gym has been my comfort. It has been my stress reliever, like prozac on a treadmill in the non pill form. Good lord, how do I get that back!!! I know the feeling of Ahhhh when I walk out of the gym. I know the feeling of just being a peace and feeling good and sound. I also know how to get it back, it's just my lack of patience and type A personality that is keeping me from it now. I want it now. Overnight. I don't want to have to put the hard work in that I know it is going to take to get there again. I am inclined to say that this is tougher for women, as we have so many roles in a days time that it is really overwhelming. But, I cannot really say that as everyones roles are different. I know for me, it is overwhelming to be a mother, to work, to run a household, to be responsible for everything else that I am, and then to run myself. I don't know if I am just not equipped, if I didn't have a good role model, if I am not capable, if I don't have the support I need...Whatever it is, I am FOR SURE going to make it a priority that Sophie is armed with all of the necessary tools when she leaves me so she is able to manage when she is an adult. I don't want her to struggle like this, and if she does, I am certainly committed to walking her through it.
I think I will share a few of the crazy things I do and say to get me through my days...laugh, roll your eyes, recognize some of these things when you hear them. Whatever your reaction, feel free to point out to me the next time you hear them come out of my mouth they are just a bunch of bullshit!
My closet is full of size 6 and 8 clothes. Full is an understatement. I worked in retail my whole life, until last spring. I have some clothes, to put it mildly, all of which will only fit if I sew to or three different pairs of pants together or shirts or whatever it may be. Point being, what the F? How f-ing long am I going to hold on to this stuff? I am not sure why I torture myself with it. Initially it was because I knew I would again someday be able to fit in to it all, and I just crammed myself in to all of it and was miserable. The last oh about year I would say, I have slowly started to buy new things, nothing that ever fits still though. I'm just an idiot. Hopefully doing this, will help me through that!
My favorite lines are some like, I used to run 25 miles a week. I ran 5 k's while I was pregnant. Oh my god, I remember when I wore that, it was a size 6. Who gives a F? I don't know if I say those things to make myself feel better, or be accountable, or what? Listen to this good one...last fall I was REALLY making an effort to get healthy again. I went out and bought a new pair of $125 running shoes. I walked daily, and even started mixing in interval walking/running. This lasted about two weeks, until something, who in the hell knows what, came up and I made it a priority instead of my health, and my new shoes still sit in my closet. I used to be SO goal driven. I would put notes all over so I could see visual reminders of what my goals were and what i wanted to accomplish. Now that I have two kids that can read, this is a little more difficult, as I don't want them to see my struggles with this, but come on Hillary-isn't it obvious??? Maybe letting my children see that I am human would do me some good.
When I got pregnant with Simon, I was probably the healthiest I had been in my adult life(there is more of that bullshit you hear out of my mouth al of the time). About half way through, I wasn't as committed to it as I was in the beginning, but still remained in pretty good shape throughout the pregnancy. When he was 3 days old, I was so disgusted with how I felt physically and emotionally, I registered for 6 5k's over the next 4 months, and I started running with a 3 week old baby, I had had a complication during delivery with him, and I was going back to work a month or so down the line....That is excessive. No doubt. And, it drove me crazy and was more than I could handle, but when I sit here and think back to that, I cannot put my finger on what drove me so hard to be healthy again. I wan't grossed out by my body, after I had both of my children I was in awe of what my body had just done and with the fact that I was feeding those babies and everything they were getting was coming from me. Sure, I felt flabby and gross in the ick way, but not ashamed of how I looked. I just had this NEED to feel good. Where has that gone and how in the hell do I find it again???
This is where the lazy and complacent come in. I mentioned before how type A I am. How do I find the patience to get through this and get started? I have never been this unfit. This road is going to be hard, and we all know the hard road blows. Like I mentioned before, it is easier to be a crappy parent, just like it is easier to be unhealthy. When did I become that person? It isn't who I am, but it is who I have become. Christ. Seriously, I hate having these chats with myself. They just suck.
I have gotten through the day with no pop, and it isn't killing me, but I know there is one is the fridge at work and it is all I can think about. What is tomorrow morning going to look like....Maybe that is whet we will touch on tomorrow-how has my work life affected my health....This will be good!
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