I did it.
So far so good. It was hard. And-it is just fucking pop(oops)but I still wanted it and could taste it as I watched it go down the sink.  I look down on people who smoke and drink excessively or shall I say habitually-but I have become one of those people with pop.  It is unbelievably embarrassing ands I ahte admitting to what a jerk I am.  I have quit drinking pop many times in my life, but this is it.  I'm tired today.  I didn't want to come to work.  I didn't take a shower and I look like ass, BUT, I didn't haven't drank any pop and by now I usually have.
 The pop thing became clear in the middle of the night when Simon got up because his back hurt.  He got in bed with us and as he was laying there and I was rubbing his little tiny back, I thought about his health issues and how he didn't ask for any of what he has, and his little body is amazing how it goes and goes and goes and how it works and how incredible he is.  It made me sick how poorly I treat my body, the only body I have, and how he has done nothing bad to his body yet it just doesn't work like it should.  He isn't dying and doesn't have a trajic illness, but most of you know of his kidney problems.   I don't want to get too personal in a few arenas because some of the things I feel and need to say are meant to not be public, but one key factor in my current state, is Simon.  Some of these things are HARD to write, and I will say that I am MEGA emotional the past few days, which isn't typically me, so I will keep a few things to myself or with in the confines of a therapy session(which I am not currently seeing one, yet CLEARLY need to.  I'm a big advocate of therapy!)  But, Simon makes life challenging, to put it mildly.  I know we have made him the challenge he is, but me being unhealthy magnifies his issues, not his health issues, but his little 4 year old boy issues, and how I deal with them.  I'm not proud of the parent I have been to him, or Soph for that matter for the last year or so.  Don't take that the wrong way, I am a good parent, but I have REALLY high expectations when it comes to the parenting arena.  Now that I wrote that statement, I have REALLY high expectations period.  Lot's of why's behind it, and I 'm sure we will touch on that soon....
Better do some work as I am here.  I didn't plan ahead for lunch, but I am committed to no pop.  And to cleaning out of my desk the candy and junk and liquor.  I only had one Dr'd up coffee yesterday, anothere plain cup, and a plain cup this morning....Baby steps, I 'll take whatever I can get!