Good god...

Well, the morning has started off on a bad foot- so I just texted my neighbor and told her simply that today is going to be an eating day. Simons first hour of awake consisted of an hour long tantrum(which you will soon learn has contributed to my lack of health), then we discovered that overnight the ice maker overflowed and everything in the freezer is stuck to it....Finally after an hour of chipping ice and cutting my numb fingers and slipping on the tile and trying to reason with a spoiled out of control 4 year old- I said F it and made myself one of my signature coffees...this little beauty is on the upwards of a thousand calories I am guessing and consists of vanilla coffee, peppermint flavor, eggnog(the real deal), and last but not least-Bailey's. Some days I have 4 of these. Some days less- but god dammit I deserve one after the two hours I just had. My head is pounding-probably from lack of caffeine because as you can clearly see my coffee is mostly filled with sugar and liquor and fat- little to No actual caffeine. Believe it or not I don't keep pop in my house unless there is a party or something of the sort so usually by now I have gotten myself one on the way to work or had the fridge at work loaded with it waiting for me on my arrival. I am seriously the asshole that in my head bashes people for drinking too much pop. What a jerk. So- bottom line is I will make myself another coffee concoction in the next 15 minutes because my head will still be pounding....my headaches have gotten worse the past 5 or 6 months. Cannot pinpoint what part of my unhealth is responsible for them worsening....stress? Weight gain? Lack of sleep because when you are overweight you sleep like crap? High blood pressure? The pains I have in my chest and arms...? Gee- I wonder.
The tragedy for me here is always this...I am fully aware of how my life rolls when I am healthy. I probably should define what healthy means to me by the way. It does NOT mean a rocking hot body and so skinny you wonder if I eat. It means mentally physically emotionally sound. I know and am smart enough to know they all go together. I have been there before. I NEVER say, at home at least, I am fat. It is always unhealthy. I am raising children, and a teenage daughter at that. The last thing I want is body issues with her. We talk all of the time about health. I have started to see Sophie's eating habits change somewhat he last few months. It scares the hell out of me. Does she look at me and think to herself she never wants to look like me? Is she starting to let society rule her thoughts? Am I doing something wrong? It scares me to death..hence I HAVE to make a change. I tell her all of the time health has nothing to do with how you look. I truly believe that. It's how you feel inside. How you treat your body. I truly love my body when I'm healthy. I'm cocky about it, not arrogant but really walk around feeling lucky to have what I have..now that I just put that in to print let me share something else funny. Until very recently, I can honestly say that I have walked around being a size 12 14 16, whatever it may be, and been so damned cocky about my personality and what is on the inside that I think I am a super model. Really. I finally have come to terms with it is not that I think all fat people are un happy- ME as a fat person is unhappy. I have thought the majority of my adult life that there are overweight adult people that are truly happy with life and who they are(kids are another story that I will maybe talk about some other time). Most of me still believes that. I know several of them. Some people genetically are large, no matter what. Some people don't give a F. Some people are just cooler than me. I personally just can't handle it anymore is the deal. There have been many times I HAVE been able to handle it, most of you know I have been a skinny/fat person the majority of my life. There have for sure been times that I have been pretty damned heavy and I was ok with it. I learned long ago i am without a doubt my own worse critic. I adopted an attitude with Clint that if he didn't love me for who I was, fat or skinny, super hot MILF or super fat mother of his son, he could F off. He has stuck through the good and the bad many times, and there were the times he walked which I blamed him for being shallow and young and stupid...What I have realized is that he never once walked because of how I looked, it was because of how I felt. When I look like this and feel like this I am a miserable bastard. NO ONE likes me because I make it impossible for anyone to do anything else, and you can imagine it is especially hard on those closest to me. I'm pretty much an ass when I'm on my best behavior, but imagine my strong personality mixed with the wrath of being unhappy. It's bad...
Have to tend to my wild man, who has calmed down but is starting in again because he needs some attention....oh- and I need to find the 6 missing bags of M&M's I have stashed somewhere so the neighbor can make really good rice krispy treats for us to sit around and finish off later. Her and I are a bad pair, as you will learn, and we will also discuss the " candy jar" that all visitors know and love at my house...
To be continued...