I got the FEVA...

Long time no blog...we all know-busy busy busy life!
On my "blog break" I have had lots of time to put some serious thought to a few big issues that I think have contributed to my extreme weight gain-and-UNHEALTH!!!  What I have narrowed it down to being my focuses-or two focuses-are first, how I cope with stress, and secondly, how do I continue to practice mind over matter if you will-and master my willpower once again.  So, that is what I have really dug down deep and tried to work on these past few weeks.  . .
Stress.  We all have it.  Yes, even the people you look around at and think live a perfect life-they too have it.  I think the difference between me and the people I speak of that you look at and think have it all together, is how they cope with stress.  I know, and better yet, have the know how, to use my coping mechanisms to BETTER my life versus the bad mechanisms I HAVE developed this last year or so.  I think half of the battle of weight loss, and extreme lifestyle change, is mental.  And-looking back, I realize that losing the mental battle holds the hand of losing the physical battle.  It is such a nasty ugly disgusting downward spiral it is hard to see the light, even when it is all you want.  I wish I could discover or invent, if you will, what it takes to "flip the switch" but it is obviously different for everyone of us.  A few factors that are helping me flip mine, Sophie and Simon-I HAVE to put my money where my mouth is and get back to living the healthy life I preach to them all of the time, because the time is rapidly approaching where they look and me and think I am a raving hypocritical lunatic.  How could I ever expect them to practice the healthy lifestyle I teach them when I am in fact not living it?  Remember the lead by example comment from a few entries ago?  Another thing that helped me flip my switch, just not being able to handle the extreme unhappiness and discomfort I continually feel and have felt in my own skin.  That is absolutely NOT who I am, and I am sure that most who know me would agree that is not who I am.  My friend Kara made a statement to me over the summer or last Spring that I wish I could remember, but it was something along the lines of when the misery of the pain is less than the pain of the actual change, the change will happen.  That isn't it and when I look at it I probably have it backwards, but I really liked whatever it was-it stuck.  Another friend Chris, posted on Facebook a year or so ago something along the lines of if you don't make time to be healthy, you better make time to be unhealthy.  Again, not his words exactly, but it stuck too with me that he was so right.  If I didn't take the time to get up and move my body and exercise it and take care of it, I better bank on taking the time to take care of my POOR health from lack of taking care of myself....I have thought about that saying almost every single day since I read it.
Stress and coping mechanisms are pretty much brother and sister as I put more thought to these hurdles.  It's all about changing how I deal.  Identifying the red flags, or targets, or things that stress me out were pretty easy.  Not everything, but pretty close to everything stresses me out these days I started to realize.  Is that who I am?  No, but it has become my norm lately.  That certainly is not how I want to live, or not what I want a good representation of me to be, and most of all, not the lead I want Soph and Sim to follow!
These past few weeks, I have had some very heavy, to put it mildly, stuff going on in my personal life.  And, as I mentioned before, my professional life has become very stressful with the job change last year. I started daily these past few weeks to really look at how I have dealt with that stress from the onset of it. A few days I wrote some things down, others I just walked myself through some things in my mind.  I have also had to deal with health issues of family members on opposite ends of the spectrum.  One with my Grandma, whose body is old an tired, and has walked her through so many years of hard work and life.  What her body has allowed her to do was amazing I thought to myself as she laid on a table and I watched a Dr work on her.  How could I treat my body so poorly?  This is the only body I have, and it is a gift.  What has our world come to that we are so obsessed with making ourselves happy in the moment, whether it be over eating, drinking too much, doing drugs, whatever self indulgent behaviors we participate in may be?  How can I teach my children that bullshit way of life???  It stops here and now-I can tell you that much.  I feel ashamed at what I have done to my body.  Not so much that I am going to beat myself up for it forever, instead I am going to take that shame and use it to motivate me to make the change....I have also had to watch Simon go through some medical things these past few weeks as well.  I too, as I did with my grandma, looked at his little body laying there on the table thinking to myself, how in the hell could I treat my body like this!!!  I am so amazed at what our bodies can do and how they carry us through life. How could we ever treat them bad?  Sure, we can all have our moments and slip and fall every once in a while-a wild and crazy night-a huge excessive meal-whatever it may be-it's ok to be human....but all in all, this is the only body I get!!!! I HAVE to be good to it.  I cannot believe my body has tolerated me for as long as it has!  I have finally started to remember how f-ing important it is to just get up off of your ass and MOVE!!!  Just move Hill, just move!!!!
Coping mechanisms...how do I deal?  Well, it has been different throughout my life.  I have realized, as I have many times before, that I am a I have to take care of it all and carry it all on my shoulders person.  There are many reasons why, and those certainly need to be dealt with, but why in the hell carry the burden of all of life's issues alone?  While I pride myself on being the one who takes care of my family, and being the "head" of my extended family in a way, why in the hell do I insist on doing it alone?  Why do any of us?  Seriously-am I such an ego maniac that I HAVE to be the alpha omega(as Clint gently put it to me last night).  There is nothing wrong with priding yourself on doing all right at some things, but you cannot get to the lack of human interaction point of keeping it all in so you can remain tough and successful-or shall I say be PERCEIVED as having it all together .  Isn't that why we have friends?  Isn't that why we communicate with each other?  Why we celebrate things in life?  Why we grieve when we lose, why we cheer when we succeed?  Now I am not talking about being out there with everything that goes on in life, but I have realized that I carry too much, and that burden has turned in to more than just carrying it on my shoulders-my ass and my gut and my thighs ect-you get the point-are carrying it too!!!
Those are the things I have focused on these past few weeks during my silence....
Now-on to confession time.  I have drank pop 3 times in the last five days.  Ugh-blah-it sucks.  I know why, I know what triggered it.  And while I am SUPER pissed off and let down by it, I am Ok. It's all about will power, I am constantly talking to myself.   I am still not drinking pop for life.  I just had a few stressful days-the world didn't end.  And I have identified the reasons of why that is what I turned to when I was stressed.  My goal is to get back to turning to EXERCISE or healthy alternatives when I am stressed other than eating crappy stuff or drinking pop!  On a better note, being (kind of) pop free with the exception of these past few days, I have lost 5 and a half pounds in the last few weeks.  I have not worked out, I did however go to the gym Saturday, I will address that in a different post.  I HAVE been thinking about everything that I eat.  Have I changed my diet?  No, but I have put a lot of thought to all of my food choices-which in turn has helped my diet change!  I can't help but think like I have in the past when I have dealt with weight issues, and started to see pounds come off, when I just went whole hog, and once I started to hit the gym I go hardcore and the pounds just fall off....BUT I know better.  I would lose 50 pounds in a few months, and in turn next year at this time, I would be starting this blog all over again renaming it "the life and times of the forever fat girl!"  I am taking it slow, and LEARNING and trying my best to be smart...
The stress isn't going to get me, I am going to cope with it better, and-can't you already tell I am not cussing as much!  That's progress in itself....don't worry friends, my potty mouth will always be in there somewhere.....