My plan was to address my "gym" activity tonight-but I'm gonna pass-because I am SHOT-and-it's not pretty! And-lazy....Had a struggle the last few days dealing with the stress of everyday life, I keep saying I have a lot on my plate, that's not saying we all don't, but currently-the plate is FULL and over loaded! Then the work issue on top of that makes things interesting! My wonderful friend Leslie brought a terrific and healthy lunch to my office today-thanks so much-and we talked about how I just have to get to the point again-yes AGAIN as I have been there before-where I go to the gym or to exercise for stress relief instead of Ben and Jerry's or Dr Pepper...So-I HAVE been getting to the gym. BUT, I still have been falling back on the food too-nothing near what it was a month ago-but still old habits die hard.
The gym feels fantastic and is a huge release and I miss it and already feel the urge to be there more and more-but I still need to get a good three weeks or so under my belt before I start spouting off about how dedicated I am-I know I know-I would never do anything like that! And...for tonight I will spare you the details of what it is like to run on the treadmill again with now a 400 pound ass as opposed to a 150 pound one-it's almost like there is something behind me trying to chase me when I am on there. But no-it's actually just my ass. Sweet. Thanks for having the personal trainer station right behind my row of treadmills you miserable fucks who planned that one....And yes-I was telling my gym mate that I used to be the girl that would stop in quick to run a few miles in my sports bra and short shorts. Hope the new girl that does that doesn't burn in hell when I see her there! Oh God-it's bad friends! BUT-I am doing it.....Changing a pattern-routine-life....
Will post more this weekend, after a few more gym visits, and after we see how I deal with making my dad a cake for his birthday. Have thought about it all week-and don't care what in the hell he wants or likes-just keep thinking if I am going to splurge and throw out being healthy for 15 minutes-what do I want-who cares about the birthday boy!!!!!
Until then-think happy Hillary thoughts....
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Weakness
So-F-rough couple of days on the get off the pot and be healthy front!!!! Well, actually-just today was rough. Started with work stress at about 5am with my boss pommeling me with email after email. He is very demanding, and while I am proud of all that I have taught myself with this transition to a new career, it is still very stressful. That in hand with the unreasonable demands that are placed on me daily-STRESS ME THE HELL OUT!!!! When I look back, I cannot put a number to the pounds I have gained since starting my new job. I know since August I was looking at about 20 pounds, so when I look at starting there a good 4 months before that I would have to say I have gained at LEAST 25-30 pounds since I have been there. That, in addition to the 30-40 I was already overweight, certainly have had an impact. My second biggest challenge, aside from the stress, is my lack of mobility. In my former professional life, I spent all day every day on my feet more or less. When I started the new job this soring, I brought my exercise ball and it still sits in my office. I was very committed in the beginning to using it a few times a day for sit ups and squats. I did good for a while, and I tried to spend a few hours a day sitting on it as well. Now-I am afraid that if I sit on it, it will pop!!!!! Complacency has won over. When I should be up and moving and taking a break every so often to work my body, I quick check People Magazine or Facebook. Having this be my first job in front of a computer is a new and fun thing for me BUT has proved to be quite a challenge to my already struggle with being healthy.
While my boss is not in the office or in town very often, he has been for three days this week....And, what have I talked about-my willpower sucking ass. So I HAVE to stay focused on what I am trying to do here. I need a plan. Something like when he starts making me crazy, I close the door and meditate or breath or something along those lines. I have contemplated a vodoo doll, which I did find one after not looking very hard, but figured I need to put my frustration in to something a little more constructive!
When I get so upset and riled by him, I really take a few steps back and ask myself, is this all worth it? Did I leave my old work life for something I get no personal satisfaction out of, and that does not make me happy in the least? The conclusion I have come to, many times, is to try and look at this whole situation with some gratitude instead of frustration. When I continue to look at it and be frustrated, I let it bring me down, and I let it win. Doing that only contributes to the already YUK I already feel....So, I have decided to be grateful for the very good job that I have, and the nice life it affords me. It has given me such a better non work life and so much time with Sophie and Simon-I couldn't ask for more! When I think about the negative parts and how much I hate it, I only give in to weak feeling and the out of control that I have let my day to day life become. Why give in? Why let someone else or something else OTHER than me have that kind of control of my life? Is that what I am all about? Again, like I said last post, I think many people that know me would be surprised to see those words.
There certainly is some validity to your work life not being personally satisfying correlating with being unhappy in your non work life-I am a big advocate of doing what you love and if you're not, move on and find it! But I am adopting the attitude of everything happens for a reason-or I have some "I was a really bad boss" karma from my old days of ME being the boss and that is why I am where I am! I'm going to get back on that ball EVERY day. I am going to laugh when the bossman starts throwing his fits like my 4 year old son does, and I am going to be so grateful and humbled by the opportunity I have been given with my job and figure out how to use it to get to the next best place I will be lucky enough to get to. I am in control of me and where I go and the success I achieve.
Now-yep-confession time. I freaking drank pop today AGAIN! Twice. Ugh. I suck. And-I ate candy, which I have been super good at staying away from. I basically threw in the towel after I started and just went down hill from there!!! Mexican for lunch, pop, candy....I suck!!!!!I am doing my best to look at this as just a bump in the road, but can't help but be disappointed. I wonder if everyone that is at the beginning of trying to change their life has these hurdles too and gets frustrated and turns to their old ways. I wonder if that is what a drug addict or alcoholic feels like and struggles with until they finally kick the habit? I often have made the comparison of my over eating and just letting myself go to pot to being an addict of sorts or a smoker or whatever it may be. Everyone has their vices. When did mine become being self indulgent in the kitchen???!!! I again think to myself, how am I raising kids in this damn me me me-I have to be happy 100% of the time -world. They need to be shown what it is like to have self control, restraint, character, know they have to work hard for what they want. I don't want them to subscribe to the now now now world. I have to have to have to be a good role model for them. No one else is going to do it, no actually, that is the problem! The things or people they would role model after if it WEREN'T me would be the LAST thing I would want for my children....
So-for Hillary, for Sophie, for Simon-and for the rest of the world who has to deal with the wrath of unhealthy me-I will forge on and keep trying to get off the pot. Going to the gym again this weekend-although I only did 25 or so minutes of cardio and a little bit of lifting last weekend, I LOVED it. It felt great being there-with the exception of needing few more bras on and having yoga pants on that were having issues staying up-it was a success!
I am going to start setting small short term goals-you have to have something to work for. I think that will help me stay focused. Stay tuned. Tomorrow is Friday, thank you lord! My goal is to go to the gym Saturday and Sunday, drink no pop, and eat healthy! Easy easy easy....
While my boss is not in the office or in town very often, he has been for three days this week....And, what have I talked about-my willpower sucking ass. So I HAVE to stay focused on what I am trying to do here. I need a plan. Something like when he starts making me crazy, I close the door and meditate or breath or something along those lines. I have contemplated a vodoo doll, which I did find one after not looking very hard, but figured I need to put my frustration in to something a little more constructive!
When I get so upset and riled by him, I really take a few steps back and ask myself, is this all worth it? Did I leave my old work life for something I get no personal satisfaction out of, and that does not make me happy in the least? The conclusion I have come to, many times, is to try and look at this whole situation with some gratitude instead of frustration. When I continue to look at it and be frustrated, I let it bring me down, and I let it win. Doing that only contributes to the already YUK I already feel....So, I have decided to be grateful for the very good job that I have, and the nice life it affords me. It has given me such a better non work life and so much time with Sophie and Simon-I couldn't ask for more! When I think about the negative parts and how much I hate it, I only give in to weak feeling and the out of control that I have let my day to day life become. Why give in? Why let someone else or something else OTHER than me have that kind of control of my life? Is that what I am all about? Again, like I said last post, I think many people that know me would be surprised to see those words.
There certainly is some validity to your work life not being personally satisfying correlating with being unhappy in your non work life-I am a big advocate of doing what you love and if you're not, move on and find it! But I am adopting the attitude of everything happens for a reason-or I have some "I was a really bad boss" karma from my old days of ME being the boss and that is why I am where I am! I'm going to get back on that ball EVERY day. I am going to laugh when the bossman starts throwing his fits like my 4 year old son does, and I am going to be so grateful and humbled by the opportunity I have been given with my job and figure out how to use it to get to the next best place I will be lucky enough to get to. I am in control of me and where I go and the success I achieve.
Now-yep-confession time. I freaking drank pop today AGAIN! Twice. Ugh. I suck. And-I ate candy, which I have been super good at staying away from. I basically threw in the towel after I started and just went down hill from there!!! Mexican for lunch, pop, candy....I suck!!!!!I am doing my best to look at this as just a bump in the road, but can't help but be disappointed. I wonder if everyone that is at the beginning of trying to change their life has these hurdles too and gets frustrated and turns to their old ways. I wonder if that is what a drug addict or alcoholic feels like and struggles with until they finally kick the habit? I often have made the comparison of my over eating and just letting myself go to pot to being an addict of sorts or a smoker or whatever it may be. Everyone has their vices. When did mine become being self indulgent in the kitchen???!!! I again think to myself, how am I raising kids in this damn me me me-I have to be happy 100% of the time -world. They need to be shown what it is like to have self control, restraint, character, know they have to work hard for what they want. I don't want them to subscribe to the now now now world. I have to have to have to be a good role model for them. No one else is going to do it, no actually, that is the problem! The things or people they would role model after if it WEREN'T me would be the LAST thing I would want for my children....
So-for Hillary, for Sophie, for Simon-and for the rest of the world who has to deal with the wrath of unhealthy me-I will forge on and keep trying to get off the pot. Going to the gym again this weekend-although I only did 25 or so minutes of cardio and a little bit of lifting last weekend, I LOVED it. It felt great being there-with the exception of needing few more bras on and having yoga pants on that were having issues staying up-it was a success!
I am going to start setting small short term goals-you have to have something to work for. I think that will help me stay focused. Stay tuned. Tomorrow is Friday, thank you lord! My goal is to go to the gym Saturday and Sunday, drink no pop, and eat healthy! Easy easy easy....
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I got the FEVA...
Long time no blog...we all know-busy busy busy life!
On my "blog break" I have had lots of time to put some serious thought to a few big issues that I think have contributed to my extreme weight gain-and-UNHEALTH!!! What I have narrowed it down to being my focuses-or two focuses-are first, how I cope with stress, and secondly, how do I continue to practice mind over matter if you will-and master my willpower once again. So, that is what I have really dug down deep and tried to work on these past few weeks. . .
Stress. We all have it. Yes, even the people you look around at and think live a perfect life-they too have it. I think the difference between me and the people I speak of that you look at and think have it all together, is how they cope with stress. I know, and better yet, have the know how, to use my coping mechanisms to BETTER my life versus the bad mechanisms I HAVE developed this last year or so. I think half of the battle of weight loss, and extreme lifestyle change, is mental. And-looking back, I realize that losing the mental battle holds the hand of losing the physical battle. It is such a nasty ugly disgusting downward spiral it is hard to see the light, even when it is all you want. I wish I could discover or invent, if you will, what it takes to "flip the switch" but it is obviously different for everyone of us. A few factors that are helping me flip mine, Sophie and Simon-I HAVE to put my money where my mouth is and get back to living the healthy life I preach to them all of the time, because the time is rapidly approaching where they look and me and think I am a raving hypocritical lunatic. How could I ever expect them to practice the healthy lifestyle I teach them when I am in fact not living it? Remember the lead by example comment from a few entries ago? Another thing that helped me flip my switch, just not being able to handle the extreme unhappiness and discomfort I continually feel and have felt in my own skin. That is absolutely NOT who I am, and I am sure that most who know me would agree that is not who I am. My friend Kara made a statement to me over the summer or last Spring that I wish I could remember, but it was something along the lines of when the misery of the pain is less than the pain of the actual change, the change will happen. That isn't it and when I look at it I probably have it backwards, but I really liked whatever it was-it stuck. Another friend Chris, posted on Facebook a year or so ago something along the lines of if you don't make time to be healthy, you better make time to be unhealthy. Again, not his words exactly, but it stuck too with me that he was so right. If I didn't take the time to get up and move my body and exercise it and take care of it, I better bank on taking the time to take care of my POOR health from lack of taking care of myself....I have thought about that saying almost every single day since I read it.
Stress and coping mechanisms are pretty much brother and sister as I put more thought to these hurdles. It's all about changing how I deal. Identifying the red flags, or targets, or things that stress me out were pretty easy. Not everything, but pretty close to everything stresses me out these days I started to realize. Is that who I am? No, but it has become my norm lately. That certainly is not how I want to live, or not what I want a good representation of me to be, and most of all, not the lead I want Soph and Sim to follow!
These past few weeks, I have had some very heavy, to put it mildly, stuff going on in my personal life. And, as I mentioned before, my professional life has become very stressful with the job change last year. I started daily these past few weeks to really look at how I have dealt with that stress from the onset of it. A few days I wrote some things down, others I just walked myself through some things in my mind. I have also had to deal with health issues of family members on opposite ends of the spectrum. One with my Grandma, whose body is old an tired, and has walked her through so many years of hard work and life. What her body has allowed her to do was amazing I thought to myself as she laid on a table and I watched a Dr work on her. How could I treat my body so poorly? This is the only body I have, and it is a gift. What has our world come to that we are so obsessed with making ourselves happy in the moment, whether it be over eating, drinking too much, doing drugs, whatever self indulgent behaviors we participate in may be? How can I teach my children that bullshit way of life??? It stops here and now-I can tell you that much. I feel ashamed at what I have done to my body. Not so much that I am going to beat myself up for it forever, instead I am going to take that shame and use it to motivate me to make the change....I have also had to watch Simon go through some medical things these past few weeks as well. I too, as I did with my grandma, looked at his little body laying there on the table thinking to myself, how in the hell could I treat my body like this!!! I am so amazed at what our bodies can do and how they carry us through life. How could we ever treat them bad? Sure, we can all have our moments and slip and fall every once in a while-a wild and crazy night-a huge excessive meal-whatever it may be-it's ok to be human....but all in all, this is the only body I get!!!! I HAVE to be good to it. I cannot believe my body has tolerated me for as long as it has! I have finally started to remember how f-ing important it is to just get up off of your ass and MOVE!!! Just move Hill, just move!!!!
Coping mechanisms...how do I deal? Well, it has been different throughout my life. I have realized, as I have many times before, that I am a I have to take care of it all and carry it all on my shoulders person. There are many reasons why, and those certainly need to be dealt with, but why in the hell carry the burden of all of life's issues alone? While I pride myself on being the one who takes care of my family, and being the "head" of my extended family in a way, why in the hell do I insist on doing it alone? Why do any of us? Seriously-am I such an ego maniac that I HAVE to be the alpha omega(as Clint gently put it to me last night). There is nothing wrong with priding yourself on doing all right at some things, but you cannot get to the lack of human interaction point of keeping it all in so you can remain tough and successful-or shall I say be PERCEIVED as having it all together . Isn't that why we have friends? Isn't that why we communicate with each other? Why we celebrate things in life? Why we grieve when we lose, why we cheer when we succeed? Now I am not talking about being out there with everything that goes on in life, but I have realized that I carry too much, and that burden has turned in to more than just carrying it on my shoulders-my ass and my gut and my thighs ect-you get the point-are carrying it too!!!
Those are the things I have focused on these past few weeks during my silence....
Now-on to confession time. I have drank pop 3 times in the last five days. Ugh-blah-it sucks. I know why, I know what triggered it. And while I am SUPER pissed off and let down by it, I am Ok. It's all about will power, I am constantly talking to myself. I am still not drinking pop for life. I just had a few stressful days-the world didn't end. And I have identified the reasons of why that is what I turned to when I was stressed. My goal is to get back to turning to EXERCISE or healthy alternatives when I am stressed other than eating crappy stuff or drinking pop! On a better note, being (kind of) pop free with the exception of these past few days, I have lost 5 and a half pounds in the last few weeks. I have not worked out, I did however go to the gym Saturday, I will address that in a different post. I HAVE been thinking about everything that I eat. Have I changed my diet? No, but I have put a lot of thought to all of my food choices-which in turn has helped my diet change! I can't help but think like I have in the past when I have dealt with weight issues, and started to see pounds come off, when I just went whole hog, and once I started to hit the gym I go hardcore and the pounds just fall off....BUT I know better. I would lose 50 pounds in a few months, and in turn next year at this time, I would be starting this blog all over again renaming it "the life and times of the forever fat girl!" I am taking it slow, and LEARNING and trying my best to be smart...
The stress isn't going to get me, I am going to cope with it better, and-can't you already tell I am not cussing as much! That's progress in itself....don't worry friends, my potty mouth will always be in there somewhere.....
On my "blog break" I have had lots of time to put some serious thought to a few big issues that I think have contributed to my extreme weight gain-and-UNHEALTH!!! What I have narrowed it down to being my focuses-or two focuses-are first, how I cope with stress, and secondly, how do I continue to practice mind over matter if you will-and master my willpower once again. So, that is what I have really dug down deep and tried to work on these past few weeks. . .
Stress. We all have it. Yes, even the people you look around at and think live a perfect life-they too have it. I think the difference between me and the people I speak of that you look at and think have it all together, is how they cope with stress. I know, and better yet, have the know how, to use my coping mechanisms to BETTER my life versus the bad mechanisms I HAVE developed this last year or so. I think half of the battle of weight loss, and extreme lifestyle change, is mental. And-looking back, I realize that losing the mental battle holds the hand of losing the physical battle. It is such a nasty ugly disgusting downward spiral it is hard to see the light, even when it is all you want. I wish I could discover or invent, if you will, what it takes to "flip the switch" but it is obviously different for everyone of us. A few factors that are helping me flip mine, Sophie and Simon-I HAVE to put my money where my mouth is and get back to living the healthy life I preach to them all of the time, because the time is rapidly approaching where they look and me and think I am a raving hypocritical lunatic. How could I ever expect them to practice the healthy lifestyle I teach them when I am in fact not living it? Remember the lead by example comment from a few entries ago? Another thing that helped me flip my switch, just not being able to handle the extreme unhappiness and discomfort I continually feel and have felt in my own skin. That is absolutely NOT who I am, and I am sure that most who know me would agree that is not who I am. My friend Kara made a statement to me over the summer or last Spring that I wish I could remember, but it was something along the lines of when the misery of the pain is less than the pain of the actual change, the change will happen. That isn't it and when I look at it I probably have it backwards, but I really liked whatever it was-it stuck. Another friend Chris, posted on Facebook a year or so ago something along the lines of if you don't make time to be healthy, you better make time to be unhealthy. Again, not his words exactly, but it stuck too with me that he was so right. If I didn't take the time to get up and move my body and exercise it and take care of it, I better bank on taking the time to take care of my POOR health from lack of taking care of myself....I have thought about that saying almost every single day since I read it.
Stress and coping mechanisms are pretty much brother and sister as I put more thought to these hurdles. It's all about changing how I deal. Identifying the red flags, or targets, or things that stress me out were pretty easy. Not everything, but pretty close to everything stresses me out these days I started to realize. Is that who I am? No, but it has become my norm lately. That certainly is not how I want to live, or not what I want a good representation of me to be, and most of all, not the lead I want Soph and Sim to follow!
These past few weeks, I have had some very heavy, to put it mildly, stuff going on in my personal life. And, as I mentioned before, my professional life has become very stressful with the job change last year. I started daily these past few weeks to really look at how I have dealt with that stress from the onset of it. A few days I wrote some things down, others I just walked myself through some things in my mind. I have also had to deal with health issues of family members on opposite ends of the spectrum. One with my Grandma, whose body is old an tired, and has walked her through so many years of hard work and life. What her body has allowed her to do was amazing I thought to myself as she laid on a table and I watched a Dr work on her. How could I treat my body so poorly? This is the only body I have, and it is a gift. What has our world come to that we are so obsessed with making ourselves happy in the moment, whether it be over eating, drinking too much, doing drugs, whatever self indulgent behaviors we participate in may be? How can I teach my children that bullshit way of life??? It stops here and now-I can tell you that much. I feel ashamed at what I have done to my body. Not so much that I am going to beat myself up for it forever, instead I am going to take that shame and use it to motivate me to make the change....I have also had to watch Simon go through some medical things these past few weeks as well. I too, as I did with my grandma, looked at his little body laying there on the table thinking to myself, how in the hell could I treat my body like this!!! I am so amazed at what our bodies can do and how they carry us through life. How could we ever treat them bad? Sure, we can all have our moments and slip and fall every once in a while-a wild and crazy night-a huge excessive meal-whatever it may be-it's ok to be human....but all in all, this is the only body I get!!!! I HAVE to be good to it. I cannot believe my body has tolerated me for as long as it has! I have finally started to remember how f-ing important it is to just get up off of your ass and MOVE!!! Just move Hill, just move!!!!
Coping mechanisms...how do I deal? Well, it has been different throughout my life. I have realized, as I have many times before, that I am a I have to take care of it all and carry it all on my shoulders person. There are many reasons why, and those certainly need to be dealt with, but why in the hell carry the burden of all of life's issues alone? While I pride myself on being the one who takes care of my family, and being the "head" of my extended family in a way, why in the hell do I insist on doing it alone? Why do any of us? Seriously-am I such an ego maniac that I HAVE to be the alpha omega(as Clint gently put it to me last night). There is nothing wrong with priding yourself on doing all right at some things, but you cannot get to the lack of human interaction point of keeping it all in so you can remain tough and successful-or shall I say be PERCEIVED as having it all together . Isn't that why we have friends? Isn't that why we communicate with each other? Why we celebrate things in life? Why we grieve when we lose, why we cheer when we succeed? Now I am not talking about being out there with everything that goes on in life, but I have realized that I carry too much, and that burden has turned in to more than just carrying it on my shoulders-my ass and my gut and my thighs ect-you get the point-are carrying it too!!!
Those are the things I have focused on these past few weeks during my silence....
Now-on to confession time. I have drank pop 3 times in the last five days. Ugh-blah-it sucks. I know why, I know what triggered it. And while I am SUPER pissed off and let down by it, I am Ok. It's all about will power, I am constantly talking to myself. I am still not drinking pop for life. I just had a few stressful days-the world didn't end. And I have identified the reasons of why that is what I turned to when I was stressed. My goal is to get back to turning to EXERCISE or healthy alternatives when I am stressed other than eating crappy stuff or drinking pop! On a better note, being (kind of) pop free with the exception of these past few days, I have lost 5 and a half pounds in the last few weeks. I have not worked out, I did however go to the gym Saturday, I will address that in a different post. I HAVE been thinking about everything that I eat. Have I changed my diet? No, but I have put a lot of thought to all of my food choices-which in turn has helped my diet change! I can't help but think like I have in the past when I have dealt with weight issues, and started to see pounds come off, when I just went whole hog, and once I started to hit the gym I go hardcore and the pounds just fall off....BUT I know better. I would lose 50 pounds in a few months, and in turn next year at this time, I would be starting this blog all over again renaming it "the life and times of the forever fat girl!" I am taking it slow, and LEARNING and trying my best to be smart...
The stress isn't going to get me, I am going to cope with it better, and-can't you already tell I am not cussing as much! That's progress in itself....don't worry friends, my potty mouth will always be in there somewhere.....
Friday, January 7, 2011
TGIF-I think...
I have sat down and started writing a few times this week-but it just hasn't panned out. Either I got too lazy-yep just to lay there and type-or I had a demanding child(wonder who that was)-or I did some other random thing instead. The week has gone fairly well. I have had a lot of time to reflect(I hate that term). I was getting TOO deep, serious, dark, blah, whatever you want to call it the first few days I was writing, so I decided I needed some time to myself to think through a few things and just chill. I haven't had any pop-still-since last Saturday. It's killing me, and if you happen to walk by somewhere downtown or stop in to the Casey's by my house and see me laying on the counter under the pop fountain with Dr Pepper streaming down into my mouth, please pitch in and help a girl out. I have been craving it like crazy. The taste. The bubbles in my mouth. The routine. The everything. BUT-my head doesn't hurt anymore at all, which I am shocked at how short of a time period it took to make them go away. I think another week or two and I won't want it so bad anymore will be all it takes. I have drastically cut my coffee intake, and had ZERO liquor or mega fatty additions in it since my little freezer episode last weekend. I really think that not only willpower(the little tiny bit I have remaining) coupled with sheer determination and changing your thought patterns has gotten me through. I have read 6,278 books(all reccomened by a god damned therapist at one time or another)that tell you how to "train" your thought processes. It is a chemical thing that starts to happen once you begin to establish a pattern. I have been thinking about pulling one of those books out and re-reading a few chapters here and there.
I really think just a few days of getting some of my thoughts out of my head were a huge step in the right direction. Like I mentioned before(and at the suggestion of another damend therepist)journaling is very therapudic, cathartic if you will. Which I have done many times, just not publicly! And about such a personal thing. I don't think everyone wants to admit to the world(as you know a million people are reading this)or even to a piece of paper how miserable it is to be fat and unhealthy and lazy and unhappy. When I really put thought to it, I have a feeling that many people's paths that I cross in a days time are probably feeling something similar to what I have been. Makes me sad, makes me wonder why we all just can't be f-ing happy.
I have put together a small list in my mind of things that are tough for me to deal with-and that I think about a lot and contribute to my current state of (un)health...Here's a rough draft:
1. My job. You may or may not know, I quit my job last spring and took a leap of faith if you will and completely changed gears. I more or less had been in my field(retail)my whole adult life. While it is a tough and demanding job/field-I truly loved what I did. There were times it was harder than others and times I liked it more than others, but all in all I was successfull and happy with what I did. I got to the point where I felt there was little room to grow or advance without me moving, and this other oppurtunity came along, and it fit another dream, if you will, that I had always had-so I jumped. My gut told me not to do it, which I ALWAYS listen to my gut, but did it anyway......I should have listened. My new job has proved to be VERY tough and stressful to say the least. I came in knowing nothing and have had to self teach, which has been somewhat rewarding but that's where it stops. I know growth comes out of struggles, but I have put a lot of serious thought to how my job unhappiness and stress affects my health...Or shall I phrase it-how I LET it affect my health. I know if I felt better, the job would not seem AS difficult, and I would approach the challenges it brings with it differently. Just hate the thought of feeling like I made the wrong move...
2. My housing situation. There are many caveats here, some I can't address. But, the bottom line, we live in a house that we have just outgrown and it is challenging for all of us. It makes us all crazy. And, presents difficulties in making everyday life smooth. Don't get me wrong, I am so lucky to have what I do, it is a super cool, fun, nice home, but we are busting at the seams.
3. My closet. I cannot even explain what it is like being overwieght and having to get dressed every morning. I mentioned earlier the sheer amount of clothes I have-which only make getting dressed even more stressful. Its like looking at something you want so bad that you can reach out and touch and feel, and you just can't have it-it makes me insane. I often stand in my closet after I get out of the shower and just look and look and look. I know there is nothing in there that I could even possibly manage to fit in to. THOSE things are in a pile that is at the end of my bed on a chaise that has the things that fit piled up, and there is very little and it gets worn often. I love my wardrobe, but seriously, can I even call it MY WARDROBE anymore ifI can't wear any of it??? Get a grip Hillary. Seriously, I could make a large fortune, not a small one, off of clothes with tags on them that I bought thinking in the back of my mind, oh I will fit in to it eventually when I lose wieght(dumbass), and the shoes sitting in boxes never warn because I cannot squeeze my fat feet into them although they are my size. Yep, even your feet get fat. It's pathetic. Your shoes get stretched to the max-and they look like hell. And since I insist on wearing heels, my shoes blow out quicker, truly I just don't think they are built to carry the wieght that I put on them. I have 13 pair of boots I cannot wear because I cannot get them zipped up or around my calves, I counted them last night. I don't want to tell you how many have never been worn. It's bad people. It's starting to piss me off, so I 'll move on.
4. Genetics. My father, sorry if by chance you are reading this Dad, is a walking heart attack. I cannot even tell you what it is like to look at him. The last 6 months, when I look at him all I see is me. It scares the hell out of me. When I mentioned it to him a few months back, he told me that he ran 10 miles on his 50th birthday, and swam 5 more or some other ridiculous bullshit. Really Dad, because now you are almost 62. Get off the pot homeboy. Isn't it funny that we have never spent more than a few months at MOST, of my entire life together, but I make the same excuses he does. It's scary. I wonder if he thinks the same things when he looks at me. Most of his side of the family has had health issues(a lot of heart issues), and I can't help but wonder if they were self induced just to pure unhealth. I like to think that I am smarter than the average person when it comes to health, but look at what I have let happen to myself. And, when I look at my Dad's genes, I am a little bit more aware of what the future may look like. My mother's gene pool is relatively small, and although her father had many health issues that lead to his death, I think general health on her side is somewhat better, but unfortunaltey mental health is the scare there.
5. Personal relationships. I am going to try to be discreet here on this one. It is no secret, I have had years of challenges with Clint. It has been tough-to put it mildly. When you struggle with your personal relationships, everything in life is more difficult. Some of those times, I have turned to being healthy and taking the best care of my self possible. Others, I have turned to food comforting me. I have to again like I mentioned above, retrain my thought process to always taking care of my body, no matter what struggles I am having in life. It isn't just my Clint issues, I have had problems maintianing other personal relationships as well. When you feel crappy, you turn inward and don't do much to keep other things going, and let's face it-relationships are work, no matter what type, you have to put effort in to get something back.
My list is longer, but I will stop here so I can refocus on that job that I love.... :)
Anxious about the weekend, I have a lot of time on my hands to make poor food decisions, and that is a lot of what I have done since I took this job and have a more consistent schedule...I know I will get through it though! And if I fall I will get back up and try again....AND-looming in the back of my mind is when I decide to make my re-entrance to the gym. Good God, I don't think Des Moines has enough sports bras to keep me covered and what do I do about the ungodly amount of sweat that is going to be happening while I am there-that is where this is gonna get good folks!...We're gonna have to talk about that...
I really think just a few days of getting some of my thoughts out of my head were a huge step in the right direction. Like I mentioned before(and at the suggestion of another damend therepist)journaling is very therapudic, cathartic if you will. Which I have done many times, just not publicly! And about such a personal thing. I don't think everyone wants to admit to the world(as you know a million people are reading this)or even to a piece of paper how miserable it is to be fat and unhealthy and lazy and unhappy. When I really put thought to it, I have a feeling that many people's paths that I cross in a days time are probably feeling something similar to what I have been. Makes me sad, makes me wonder why we all just can't be f-ing happy.
I have put together a small list in my mind of things that are tough for me to deal with-and that I think about a lot and contribute to my current state of (un)health...Here's a rough draft:
1. My job. You may or may not know, I quit my job last spring and took a leap of faith if you will and completely changed gears. I more or less had been in my field(retail)my whole adult life. While it is a tough and demanding job/field-I truly loved what I did. There were times it was harder than others and times I liked it more than others, but all in all I was successfull and happy with what I did. I got to the point where I felt there was little room to grow or advance without me moving, and this other oppurtunity came along, and it fit another dream, if you will, that I had always had-so I jumped. My gut told me not to do it, which I ALWAYS listen to my gut, but did it anyway......I should have listened. My new job has proved to be VERY tough and stressful to say the least. I came in knowing nothing and have had to self teach, which has been somewhat rewarding but that's where it stops. I know growth comes out of struggles, but I have put a lot of serious thought to how my job unhappiness and stress affects my health...Or shall I phrase it-how I LET it affect my health. I know if I felt better, the job would not seem AS difficult, and I would approach the challenges it brings with it differently. Just hate the thought of feeling like I made the wrong move...
2. My housing situation. There are many caveats here, some I can't address. But, the bottom line, we live in a house that we have just outgrown and it is challenging for all of us. It makes us all crazy. And, presents difficulties in making everyday life smooth. Don't get me wrong, I am so lucky to have what I do, it is a super cool, fun, nice home, but we are busting at the seams.
3. My closet. I cannot even explain what it is like being overwieght and having to get dressed every morning. I mentioned earlier the sheer amount of clothes I have-which only make getting dressed even more stressful. Its like looking at something you want so bad that you can reach out and touch and feel, and you just can't have it-it makes me insane. I often stand in my closet after I get out of the shower and just look and look and look. I know there is nothing in there that I could even possibly manage to fit in to. THOSE things are in a pile that is at the end of my bed on a chaise that has the things that fit piled up, and there is very little and it gets worn often. I love my wardrobe, but seriously, can I even call it MY WARDROBE anymore ifI can't wear any of it??? Get a grip Hillary. Seriously, I could make a large fortune, not a small one, off of clothes with tags on them that I bought thinking in the back of my mind, oh I will fit in to it eventually when I lose wieght(dumbass), and the shoes sitting in boxes never warn because I cannot squeeze my fat feet into them although they are my size. Yep, even your feet get fat. It's pathetic. Your shoes get stretched to the max-and they look like hell. And since I insist on wearing heels, my shoes blow out quicker, truly I just don't think they are built to carry the wieght that I put on them. I have 13 pair of boots I cannot wear because I cannot get them zipped up or around my calves, I counted them last night. I don't want to tell you how many have never been worn. It's bad people. It's starting to piss me off, so I 'll move on.
4. Genetics. My father, sorry if by chance you are reading this Dad, is a walking heart attack. I cannot even tell you what it is like to look at him. The last 6 months, when I look at him all I see is me. It scares the hell out of me. When I mentioned it to him a few months back, he told me that he ran 10 miles on his 50th birthday, and swam 5 more or some other ridiculous bullshit. Really Dad, because now you are almost 62. Get off the pot homeboy. Isn't it funny that we have never spent more than a few months at MOST, of my entire life together, but I make the same excuses he does. It's scary. I wonder if he thinks the same things when he looks at me. Most of his side of the family has had health issues(a lot of heart issues), and I can't help but wonder if they were self induced just to pure unhealth. I like to think that I am smarter than the average person when it comes to health, but look at what I have let happen to myself. And, when I look at my Dad's genes, I am a little bit more aware of what the future may look like. My mother's gene pool is relatively small, and although her father had many health issues that lead to his death, I think general health on her side is somewhat better, but unfortunaltey mental health is the scare there.
5. Personal relationships. I am going to try to be discreet here on this one. It is no secret, I have had years of challenges with Clint. It has been tough-to put it mildly. When you struggle with your personal relationships, everything in life is more difficult. Some of those times, I have turned to being healthy and taking the best care of my self possible. Others, I have turned to food comforting me. I have to again like I mentioned above, retrain my thought process to always taking care of my body, no matter what struggles I am having in life. It isn't just my Clint issues, I have had problems maintianing other personal relationships as well. When you feel crappy, you turn inward and don't do much to keep other things going, and let's face it-relationships are work, no matter what type, you have to put effort in to get something back.
My list is longer, but I will stop here so I can refocus on that job that I love.... :)
Anxious about the weekend, I have a lot of time on my hands to make poor food decisions, and that is a lot of what I have done since I took this job and have a more consistent schedule...I know I will get through it though! And if I fall I will get back up and try again....AND-looming in the back of my mind is when I decide to make my re-entrance to the gym. Good God, I don't think Des Moines has enough sports bras to keep me covered and what do I do about the ungodly amount of sweat that is going to be happening while I am there-that is where this is gonna get good folks!...We're gonna have to talk about that...
Monday, January 3, 2011
Decisions....LUNCH!
As I look through my entries the last few days, I recognize how random my thoughts are. This has now become a personality trait for me, which is frustrating to say the least. I look around in my everyday life, and it is how I roll now. Random. I think when you feel crappy, it is hard to have any one focus. You kind of move from thing to thing and never accomplish any one thing. I think I have been that way for the last year...It's so frustrating, and another piece to my puzzle...
So, rather than being touchy feely and all emotional, let's look at my food choices today and talk about that a little, as it too is a BIG puzzle piece!
At home I finished about a third of a muffin that Soph didn't eat and had a cup of coffee(just coffee with a little bit of yummy flavoring). It's odd that I am such a cow-because as most of you mothers can attest-we rarely sit down and eat! We are often making food for someone else, or cleaning it up, or getting more, or finishing what is sitting there, or blah blah blah...When I got to work, I unloaded my desk of candy and liquor, and brought the candy to our kitchen and the liquor is in my purse. I think I need to keep it here, my job stresses me to the max, and every once in a while, I need a drink! Usually I go to lunch with friends and do it, but anyone in the legal field I think can attest to having a stash in their desk. Now, the kitchen. Good lord...I work for a high profile, pretty successful attorney, who is pretty much a god to everyone he knows-and-all of his little worshipers sent him f-ing candy for Christmas. Seriously. It's pathetic. We have a small office, most of the time there are just 4 of us here, so the candy is not going very quickly. I am contemplating pitching it but not sure how everyone would feel about that. Let me just put this out there, believe me when I say I LOVE TO BUY AND GIVE CANDY...but, don't send it to someone who is not going to receive it AND please do not send it to someone who has more money than God and everything he could ever want-make a freaking donation in his name to someone that has NO food, or candy for that matter...OK-I told myself I was going to try to keep work out of this as much as I could...
So-desk is cleaned out-for the most part. I have a ton of gum in there, pita chips, mints, and mint candy. Not bad for starters...I think I have failed at being healthy so much this past year or so because of the type A trait. I should be able to clean out my desk and never want for those things again, right? Yeah, not so right. I did as you saw, dump the pop, but there is still a TON more. Just dumped my specific kind. Which was a start. (I did also dump the eggnog that I keep here to make my Bailey's coffee concoction, that hurt.) Still, the candy is sitting in there calling my name. Ugh. I made myself a small bowl of oatmeal an hour or so after I got here, when I have been healthy, I always had oatmeal in my day, usually to start it off. Then a little while later, I had a v-8, which I will now be drinking by itself rahter than spiking it with vodka! That really again, doesn't happen that often!
Then, I watched and watched the clock, and was stressing out about lunch. I am tired and my head is KILLING me, both because by now I have usually had major caffeine overload and sugar overload, so my body is saying to me what in the hell is going on! This is the hard part that I remember, once I get through it I am OK. I went out to our receptionist and asked what sounded good. We settled on Palmer's or baked potatoes. Palmer's is good, I eat there often, but-I way overspend there as I have to get four things(another trait I have adopted as an overwieght person-I order everything just because I feel like it) and I really didn't want to walk in there. Sometimes, walking to and from there is taxing for me. God, I hate to admit these things....imagine what it is like to wiegh 400 pounds and have 4 inch high heels on(which those two things alone shouldn't mix)and have clothes on that just look and feel like crap and walk throught the skywalks. It's uncomfortalbe. It's a shitshow, and it just sucks. That is what life has come to. Even the easiest and simpliest of tasks, are often a chore. My pants ride up and down and all around when I walk. I get hot and sweaty. My balance is starting to get REALLY bad, and I am just not sure how my shoes take it. I know I have gone through shoes pretty f-ing quick the past few years, as that is an indicator of my overwightness. And OK, I don't wiegh 400 pounds, but I think you get the picture...Typing those things isn't easy. I share and make wise ass cracks about those things with my friends, because it is funny, and when I put my Hillary spin on it, is is even funnier. But now, I just can't take it anymore. I want to be able to go anywhere, walk anywhere, and feel comfortable doing it. It sucks that this is where I am at.
While I was walking to where we got the food, I passed several places that I wanted to go in and buy some pop and guzzle it. I love the feel of carbination in my throat and the taste. I also love the feel of ice cold water too, so I am going to retrain myself to that taste primarily, then when I even think about tasting pop, it will be gross. The only thing that I think kept me from doing it was that I am pretty sure someone took a crap in the skywalk somewhere along the way, and I evidentally stepped on it because every time I started to smell something good or think about the pop-the shit smell crept up on me! Or, maybe it was that tiny bit of will power left in me, or a higher power helping me out...
So, the baked potatoe won. The walk is even a bit father than Palmer's, but easier, and less crowded. Yep, there are days I don't want to be seen. That in itself, is a true problem for someone like me. That's not me, that's not who I am, and certainly not who I want to be. I ordered Laura's first, as I thought to myself-make the healthiest choice Hillary. Which, I didn't, but in time, that all will fall in to place. Got back, ate it with my 3rd glass of water, and physically and mentally I feel a little better. I need to, after I get through these next few weeks sit down, and plan my lunch, so I have no obstacles.
It isn't appealling for me to have to live by a menu for the rest of my life. And, I refuse to do it. But, there is a happy medium here that I know I will find. I will still be able to go out and drink my wine and eat my cheese plates that I am known for. I will still love mint chip ice cream, and eat it. And, I will have good days and bad days. I just have to re teach myself to handle it all and be able to live through it and forgive myself for being human and making good and bad choices.
Patience patience patience. I have to keep telling myself that. Everytime I have done this in the past, everything has gone so fast, as I have gone at it 5000% and never looked back. I know better than that this time, and as I said before, I don't have the patience or will power to do it. This is going to be hard work.. Hard work and challenge used to be my middle name. I have no doubt they are in there somewhere just hanging out still, I just have a lot of layers I need to reach through to find them and let them resurface again.
Hopefully the emotional part won't last long. My intention with putting this in such a public forum was to help me get through it with my humor, but I haven't been too funny so far-I have just realized what crap I feel like. Hang in there if this is just a drag...No doubt the humor will come!
Thnaks for all of the offline notes-much appreciated-more than you all know....
So, rather than being touchy feely and all emotional, let's look at my food choices today and talk about that a little, as it too is a BIG puzzle piece!
At home I finished about a third of a muffin that Soph didn't eat and had a cup of coffee(just coffee with a little bit of yummy flavoring). It's odd that I am such a cow-because as most of you mothers can attest-we rarely sit down and eat! We are often making food for someone else, or cleaning it up, or getting more, or finishing what is sitting there, or blah blah blah...When I got to work, I unloaded my desk of candy and liquor, and brought the candy to our kitchen and the liquor is in my purse. I think I need to keep it here, my job stresses me to the max, and every once in a while, I need a drink! Usually I go to lunch with friends and do it, but anyone in the legal field I think can attest to having a stash in their desk. Now, the kitchen. Good lord...I work for a high profile, pretty successful attorney, who is pretty much a god to everyone he knows-and-all of his little worshipers sent him f-ing candy for Christmas. Seriously. It's pathetic. We have a small office, most of the time there are just 4 of us here, so the candy is not going very quickly. I am contemplating pitching it but not sure how everyone would feel about that. Let me just put this out there, believe me when I say I LOVE TO BUY AND GIVE CANDY...but, don't send it to someone who is not going to receive it AND please do not send it to someone who has more money than God and everything he could ever want-make a freaking donation in his name to someone that has NO food, or candy for that matter...OK-I told myself I was going to try to keep work out of this as much as I could...
So-desk is cleaned out-for the most part. I have a ton of gum in there, pita chips, mints, and mint candy. Not bad for starters...I think I have failed at being healthy so much this past year or so because of the type A trait. I should be able to clean out my desk and never want for those things again, right? Yeah, not so right. I did as you saw, dump the pop, but there is still a TON more. Just dumped my specific kind. Which was a start. (I did also dump the eggnog that I keep here to make my Bailey's coffee concoction, that hurt.) Still, the candy is sitting in there calling my name. Ugh. I made myself a small bowl of oatmeal an hour or so after I got here, when I have been healthy, I always had oatmeal in my day, usually to start it off. Then a little while later, I had a v-8, which I will now be drinking by itself rahter than spiking it with vodka! That really again, doesn't happen that often!
Then, I watched and watched the clock, and was stressing out about lunch. I am tired and my head is KILLING me, both because by now I have usually had major caffeine overload and sugar overload, so my body is saying to me what in the hell is going on! This is the hard part that I remember, once I get through it I am OK. I went out to our receptionist and asked what sounded good. We settled on Palmer's or baked potatoes. Palmer's is good, I eat there often, but-I way overspend there as I have to get four things(another trait I have adopted as an overwieght person-I order everything just because I feel like it) and I really didn't want to walk in there. Sometimes, walking to and from there is taxing for me. God, I hate to admit these things....imagine what it is like to wiegh 400 pounds and have 4 inch high heels on(which those two things alone shouldn't mix)and have clothes on that just look and feel like crap and walk throught the skywalks. It's uncomfortalbe. It's a shitshow, and it just sucks. That is what life has come to. Even the easiest and simpliest of tasks, are often a chore. My pants ride up and down and all around when I walk. I get hot and sweaty. My balance is starting to get REALLY bad, and I am just not sure how my shoes take it. I know I have gone through shoes pretty f-ing quick the past few years, as that is an indicator of my overwightness. And OK, I don't wiegh 400 pounds, but I think you get the picture...Typing those things isn't easy. I share and make wise ass cracks about those things with my friends, because it is funny, and when I put my Hillary spin on it, is is even funnier. But now, I just can't take it anymore. I want to be able to go anywhere, walk anywhere, and feel comfortable doing it. It sucks that this is where I am at.
While I was walking to where we got the food, I passed several places that I wanted to go in and buy some pop and guzzle it. I love the feel of carbination in my throat and the taste. I also love the feel of ice cold water too, so I am going to retrain myself to that taste primarily, then when I even think about tasting pop, it will be gross. The only thing that I think kept me from doing it was that I am pretty sure someone took a crap in the skywalk somewhere along the way, and I evidentally stepped on it because every time I started to smell something good or think about the pop-the shit smell crept up on me! Or, maybe it was that tiny bit of will power left in me, or a higher power helping me out...
So, the baked potatoe won. The walk is even a bit father than Palmer's, but easier, and less crowded. Yep, there are days I don't want to be seen. That in itself, is a true problem for someone like me. That's not me, that's not who I am, and certainly not who I want to be. I ordered Laura's first, as I thought to myself-make the healthiest choice Hillary. Which, I didn't, but in time, that all will fall in to place. Got back, ate it with my 3rd glass of water, and physically and mentally I feel a little better. I need to, after I get through these next few weeks sit down, and plan my lunch, so I have no obstacles.
It isn't appealling for me to have to live by a menu for the rest of my life. And, I refuse to do it. But, there is a happy medium here that I know I will find. I will still be able to go out and drink my wine and eat my cheese plates that I am known for. I will still love mint chip ice cream, and eat it. And, I will have good days and bad days. I just have to re teach myself to handle it all and be able to live through it and forgive myself for being human and making good and bad choices.
Patience patience patience. I have to keep telling myself that. Everytime I have done this in the past, everything has gone so fast, as I have gone at it 5000% and never looked back. I know better than that this time, and as I said before, I don't have the patience or will power to do it. This is going to be hard work.. Hard work and challenge used to be my middle name. I have no doubt they are in there somewhere just hanging out still, I just have a lot of layers I need to reach through to find them and let them resurface again.
Hopefully the emotional part won't last long. My intention with putting this in such a public forum was to help me get through it with my humor, but I haven't been too funny so far-I have just realized what crap I feel like. Hang in there if this is just a drag...No doubt the humor will come!
Thnaks for all of the offline notes-much appreciated-more than you all know....
I did it.
So far so good. It was hard. And-it is just fucking pop(oops)but I still wanted it and could taste it as I watched it go down the sink. I look down on people who smoke and drink excessively or shall I say habitually-but I have become one of those people with pop. It is unbelievably embarrassing ands I ahte admitting to what a jerk I am. I have quit drinking pop many times in my life, but this is it. I'm tired today. I didn't want to come to work. I didn't take a shower and I look like ass, BUT, I didn't haven't drank any pop and by now I usually have.
The pop thing became clear in the middle of the night when Simon got up because his back hurt. He got in bed with us and as he was laying there and I was rubbing his little tiny back, I thought about his health issues and how he didn't ask for any of what he has, and his little body is amazing how it goes and goes and goes and how it works and how incredible he is. It made me sick how poorly I treat my body, the only body I have, and how he has done nothing bad to his body yet it just doesn't work like it should. He isn't dying and doesn't have a trajic illness, but most of you know of his kidney problems. I don't want to get too personal in a few arenas because some of the things I feel and need to say are meant to not be public, but one key factor in my current state, is Simon. Some of these things are HARD to write, and I will say that I am MEGA emotional the past few days, which isn't typically me, so I will keep a few things to myself or with in the confines of a therapy session(which I am not currently seeing one, yet CLEARLY need to. I'm a big advocate of therapy!) But, Simon makes life challenging, to put it mildly. I know we have made him the challenge he is, but me being unhealthy magnifies his issues, not his health issues, but his little 4 year old boy issues, and how I deal with them. I'm not proud of the parent I have been to him, or Soph for that matter for the last year or so. Don't take that the wrong way, I am a good parent, but I have REALLY high expectations when it comes to the parenting arena. Now that I wrote that statement, I have REALLY high expectations period. Lot's of why's behind it, and I 'm sure we will touch on that soon....
Better do some work as I am here. I didn't plan ahead for lunch, but I am committed to no pop. And to cleaning out of my desk the candy and junk and liquor. I only had one Dr'd up coffee yesterday, anothere plain cup, and a plain cup this morning....Baby steps, I 'll take whatever I can get!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Confessions and random truths
Confession # 1...I am sitting on my bed eating chips and dip watching Harry Potter with Simon as I type this. Enough said....I put a TV in my bedroom about a year and a half ago, and it sadly has become the new family room-I have always said I would never put one in my room-but it happened and has contributed to a lot of laziness. Usually, I really try my best to not eat in here-but it happens.....
I find it hard to organize my thoughts, which is fairly typical of me the last few years, as most that know me will attest. I don't want to word vomit every time I am writing here, but that may have to be part of the process here for a while...And, I have to say one more time, it is really difficult to put this in such a public forum. I know that seems odd to most of you that know me well, but as I have gotten older I have learned to keep my mouth shut more often. It's a big deal if I am spouting off...So here goes...
It truly is amazing how lazy you are when you are over weight. It's not just from being complacent-you truly are so physically worn out it's insane. It makes sense to me now that I have gained so much weight and am so tired, it's like the comparison I always use with my children-when you eat, you are simply putting food in your gas tank like you would your car. Well friends, my tank is pretty f-ing big now-I am clearly driving a god damned semi. For those that have not seen me personally the last 3 or 4 months, I have probably gained about 20 pounds in that time period. My energy levels have just completely dropped-and for those that know me well, you can only imagine how insane this makes me. I hate sitting back and watching Sophie and Simon rather than running with them. It's not fair to them, and I will never get the lost time back with them.
I was having an email conversation with my friend Dean the other day and he asked me if I got everything I wanted for Christmas. I told him I didn't get a trip to fat camp and I was pretty pissed about that. There were a few comments sent back and fourth, and we got to the Biggest Loser topic. I told him I know I could go on and kick ass(remind me to touch on someday my jerk mother's comment about how I should go on the Biggest Loser last summer while we were at the pool)because my past success with weight loss is usually pretty incredible. I can lose 40 pounds in a matter of months. It is not healthy, and has obviously never stuck, but in the past, that's how it has gone. I have to be at the gym two hours a day, seven days a week, run 3 or 4 miles a day, and be very devoted to keeping my metabolism at it's best. All of which seems easy enough, but in all honesty, I don't want to go to the f-ing gym and run my ass off like I used to and put the effort in I have in the past. It is A LOT of work. I have to find a happy medium and a balance SOMEHOW. I have only been able to get healthy like that a time or two since I have had Simon. It was hard, and took a lot of time away from my family, but I was able to do it. I don't think at this point though, I can give like that again. But clearly, time I invest in me will be time that is worthwhile for everyone around me....These things I know-it's just getting that mentality I have to have to get started...
Ok, Ok, I digress-back to the conversation with Dean. He made the comment that those people go on that show and lose a whole person sometime and he doubted that I need to shed a person. My response to him was that I could shed a whole person, and his wife would STILL weigh less than me. That actually is a true statement, but in my defense, he has the tiniest cutest wife there is. It still, really hit home after I typed it. WOW. Holy shit. If I lost half of my body weight I would be at an unhealthy weight for me, way TOO thin, but I still could shed a good 70 or 80 pounds to get to where my body naturally lands when it is healthy. Again, holy shit. That is daunting.
I have learned that eating is somewhat my vice if you will. I don't run to the fridge when I am stressed out or upset, but eating has certainly become my drug the last year or so. It is my comfort if you will. There have been many times in my life when the gym has been my comfort. It has been my stress reliever, like prozac on a treadmill in the non pill form. Good lord, how do I get that back!!! I know the feeling of Ahhhh when I walk out of the gym. I know the feeling of just being a peace and feeling good and sound. I also know how to get it back, it's just my lack of patience and type A personality that is keeping me from it now. I want it now. Overnight. I don't want to have to put the hard work in that I know it is going to take to get there again. I am inclined to say that this is tougher for women, as we have so many roles in a days time that it is really overwhelming. But, I cannot really say that as everyones roles are different. I know for me, it is overwhelming to be a mother, to work, to run a household, to be responsible for everything else that I am, and then to run myself. I don't know if I am just not equipped, if I didn't have a good role model, if I am not capable, if I don't have the support I need...Whatever it is, I am FOR SURE going to make it a priority that Sophie is armed with all of the necessary tools when she leaves me so she is able to manage when she is an adult. I don't want her to struggle like this, and if she does, I am certainly committed to walking her through it.
I think I will share a few of the crazy things I do and say to get me through my days...laugh, roll your eyes, recognize some of these things when you hear them. Whatever your reaction, feel free to point out to me the next time you hear them come out of my mouth they are just a bunch of bullshit!
My closet is full of size 6 and 8 clothes. Full is an understatement. I worked in retail my whole life, until last spring. I have some clothes, to put it mildly, all of which will only fit if I sew to or three different pairs of pants together or shirts or whatever it may be. Point being, what the F? How f-ing long am I going to hold on to this stuff? I am not sure why I torture myself with it. Initially it was because I knew I would again someday be able to fit in to it all, and I just crammed myself in to all of it and was miserable. The last oh about year I would say, I have slowly started to buy new things, nothing that ever fits still though. I'm just an idiot. Hopefully doing this, will help me through that!
My favorite lines are some like, I used to run 25 miles a week. I ran 5 k's while I was pregnant. Oh my god, I remember when I wore that, it was a size 6. Who gives a F? I don't know if I say those things to make myself feel better, or be accountable, or what? Listen to this good one...last fall I was REALLY making an effort to get healthy again. I went out and bought a new pair of $125 running shoes. I walked daily, and even started mixing in interval walking/running. This lasted about two weeks, until something, who in the hell knows what, came up and I made it a priority instead of my health, and my new shoes still sit in my closet. I used to be SO goal driven. I would put notes all over so I could see visual reminders of what my goals were and what i wanted to accomplish. Now that I have two kids that can read, this is a little more difficult, as I don't want them to see my struggles with this, but come on Hillary-isn't it obvious??? Maybe letting my children see that I am human would do me some good.
When I got pregnant with Simon, I was probably the healthiest I had been in my adult life(there is more of that bullshit you hear out of my mouth al of the time). About half way through, I wasn't as committed to it as I was in the beginning, but still remained in pretty good shape throughout the pregnancy. When he was 3 days old, I was so disgusted with how I felt physically and emotionally, I registered for 6 5k's over the next 4 months, and I started running with a 3 week old baby, I had had a complication during delivery with him, and I was going back to work a month or so down the line....That is excessive. No doubt. And, it drove me crazy and was more than I could handle, but when I sit here and think back to that, I cannot put my finger on what drove me so hard to be healthy again. I wan't grossed out by my body, after I had both of my children I was in awe of what my body had just done and with the fact that I was feeding those babies and everything they were getting was coming from me. Sure, I felt flabby and gross in the ick way, but not ashamed of how I looked. I just had this NEED to feel good. Where has that gone and how in the hell do I find it again???
This is where the lazy and complacent come in. I mentioned before how type A I am. How do I find the patience to get through this and get started? I have never been this unfit. This road is going to be hard, and we all know the hard road blows. Like I mentioned before, it is easier to be a crappy parent, just like it is easier to be unhealthy. When did I become that person? It isn't who I am, but it is who I have become. Christ. Seriously, I hate having these chats with myself. They just suck.
I have gotten through the day with no pop, and it isn't killing me, but I know there is one is the fridge at work and it is all I can think about. What is tomorrow morning going to look like....Maybe that is whet we will touch on tomorrow-how has my work life affected my health....This will be good!
I find it hard to organize my thoughts, which is fairly typical of me the last few years, as most that know me will attest. I don't want to word vomit every time I am writing here, but that may have to be part of the process here for a while...And, I have to say one more time, it is really difficult to put this in such a public forum. I know that seems odd to most of you that know me well, but as I have gotten older I have learned to keep my mouth shut more often. It's a big deal if I am spouting off...So here goes...
It truly is amazing how lazy you are when you are over weight. It's not just from being complacent-you truly are so physically worn out it's insane. It makes sense to me now that I have gained so much weight and am so tired, it's like the comparison I always use with my children-when you eat, you are simply putting food in your gas tank like you would your car. Well friends, my tank is pretty f-ing big now-I am clearly driving a god damned semi. For those that have not seen me personally the last 3 or 4 months, I have probably gained about 20 pounds in that time period. My energy levels have just completely dropped-and for those that know me well, you can only imagine how insane this makes me. I hate sitting back and watching Sophie and Simon rather than running with them. It's not fair to them, and I will never get the lost time back with them.
I was having an email conversation with my friend Dean the other day and he asked me if I got everything I wanted for Christmas. I told him I didn't get a trip to fat camp and I was pretty pissed about that. There were a few comments sent back and fourth, and we got to the Biggest Loser topic. I told him I know I could go on and kick ass(remind me to touch on someday my jerk mother's comment about how I should go on the Biggest Loser last summer while we were at the pool)because my past success with weight loss is usually pretty incredible. I can lose 40 pounds in a matter of months. It is not healthy, and has obviously never stuck, but in the past, that's how it has gone. I have to be at the gym two hours a day, seven days a week, run 3 or 4 miles a day, and be very devoted to keeping my metabolism at it's best. All of which seems easy enough, but in all honesty, I don't want to go to the f-ing gym and run my ass off like I used to and put the effort in I have in the past. It is A LOT of work. I have to find a happy medium and a balance SOMEHOW. I have only been able to get healthy like that a time or two since I have had Simon. It was hard, and took a lot of time away from my family, but I was able to do it. I don't think at this point though, I can give like that again. But clearly, time I invest in me will be time that is worthwhile for everyone around me....These things I know-it's just getting that mentality I have to have to get started...
Ok, Ok, I digress-back to the conversation with Dean. He made the comment that those people go on that show and lose a whole person sometime and he doubted that I need to shed a person. My response to him was that I could shed a whole person, and his wife would STILL weigh less than me. That actually is a true statement, but in my defense, he has the tiniest cutest wife there is. It still, really hit home after I typed it. WOW. Holy shit. If I lost half of my body weight I would be at an unhealthy weight for me, way TOO thin, but I still could shed a good 70 or 80 pounds to get to where my body naturally lands when it is healthy. Again, holy shit. That is daunting.
I have learned that eating is somewhat my vice if you will. I don't run to the fridge when I am stressed out or upset, but eating has certainly become my drug the last year or so. It is my comfort if you will. There have been many times in my life when the gym has been my comfort. It has been my stress reliever, like prozac on a treadmill in the non pill form. Good lord, how do I get that back!!! I know the feeling of Ahhhh when I walk out of the gym. I know the feeling of just being a peace and feeling good and sound. I also know how to get it back, it's just my lack of patience and type A personality that is keeping me from it now. I want it now. Overnight. I don't want to have to put the hard work in that I know it is going to take to get there again. I am inclined to say that this is tougher for women, as we have so many roles in a days time that it is really overwhelming. But, I cannot really say that as everyones roles are different. I know for me, it is overwhelming to be a mother, to work, to run a household, to be responsible for everything else that I am, and then to run myself. I don't know if I am just not equipped, if I didn't have a good role model, if I am not capable, if I don't have the support I need...Whatever it is, I am FOR SURE going to make it a priority that Sophie is armed with all of the necessary tools when she leaves me so she is able to manage when she is an adult. I don't want her to struggle like this, and if she does, I am certainly committed to walking her through it.
I think I will share a few of the crazy things I do and say to get me through my days...laugh, roll your eyes, recognize some of these things when you hear them. Whatever your reaction, feel free to point out to me the next time you hear them come out of my mouth they are just a bunch of bullshit!
My closet is full of size 6 and 8 clothes. Full is an understatement. I worked in retail my whole life, until last spring. I have some clothes, to put it mildly, all of which will only fit if I sew to or three different pairs of pants together or shirts or whatever it may be. Point being, what the F? How f-ing long am I going to hold on to this stuff? I am not sure why I torture myself with it. Initially it was because I knew I would again someday be able to fit in to it all, and I just crammed myself in to all of it and was miserable. The last oh about year I would say, I have slowly started to buy new things, nothing that ever fits still though. I'm just an idiot. Hopefully doing this, will help me through that!
My favorite lines are some like, I used to run 25 miles a week. I ran 5 k's while I was pregnant. Oh my god, I remember when I wore that, it was a size 6. Who gives a F? I don't know if I say those things to make myself feel better, or be accountable, or what? Listen to this good one...last fall I was REALLY making an effort to get healthy again. I went out and bought a new pair of $125 running shoes. I walked daily, and even started mixing in interval walking/running. This lasted about two weeks, until something, who in the hell knows what, came up and I made it a priority instead of my health, and my new shoes still sit in my closet. I used to be SO goal driven. I would put notes all over so I could see visual reminders of what my goals were and what i wanted to accomplish. Now that I have two kids that can read, this is a little more difficult, as I don't want them to see my struggles with this, but come on Hillary-isn't it obvious??? Maybe letting my children see that I am human would do me some good.
When I got pregnant with Simon, I was probably the healthiest I had been in my adult life(there is more of that bullshit you hear out of my mouth al of the time). About half way through, I wasn't as committed to it as I was in the beginning, but still remained in pretty good shape throughout the pregnancy. When he was 3 days old, I was so disgusted with how I felt physically and emotionally, I registered for 6 5k's over the next 4 months, and I started running with a 3 week old baby, I had had a complication during delivery with him, and I was going back to work a month or so down the line....That is excessive. No doubt. And, it drove me crazy and was more than I could handle, but when I sit here and think back to that, I cannot put my finger on what drove me so hard to be healthy again. I wan't grossed out by my body, after I had both of my children I was in awe of what my body had just done and with the fact that I was feeding those babies and everything they were getting was coming from me. Sure, I felt flabby and gross in the ick way, but not ashamed of how I looked. I just had this NEED to feel good. Where has that gone and how in the hell do I find it again???
This is where the lazy and complacent come in. I mentioned before how type A I am. How do I find the patience to get through this and get started? I have never been this unfit. This road is going to be hard, and we all know the hard road blows. Like I mentioned before, it is easier to be a crappy parent, just like it is easier to be unhealthy. When did I become that person? It isn't who I am, but it is who I have become. Christ. Seriously, I hate having these chats with myself. They just suck.
I have gotten through the day with no pop, and it isn't killing me, but I know there is one is the fridge at work and it is all I can think about. What is tomorrow morning going to look like....Maybe that is whet we will touch on tomorrow-how has my work life affected my health....This will be good!
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